"Say something"

To my beloved Hae,

As visibly evident to you and the many anonymous names that would have read my posts without my knowledge of when and whom they are read by;

I've gone back to story-teller mode, and am without doubt feeling happy about sharing stories onto my new "Hae look" for a blog page. Let's insert a smile :)

As soon as I've overcome the last of my SAM course, I would continue to confide my innermost thoughts, feelings and previous interesting encounters that I wish to remember. That's a promise.

In the meanwhile-

The following short story was a submission to my English teacher (not my beloved Mrs Jenny) but the college teacher. We were asked to write a narrative inspired by a scene of one's own choice from "Say Something by A Great Big World".

With love,
CCM.

***************************************************

I run my fingers down his heavily tattooed arm, hoping to evoke a response. Stroking his inner arm, a shadow cast over a patch of sore pink skin, revealing a new addition to his body armor of tattoos. Another new development in Joe’s life that I have yet to know about, so I thought. Beside me, his gaze was fixed onto the ceiling; a clear sign that he had drowned in his pool of thoughts, drifting far and only further off into a state of what's unknown.

As I lay next to the inert form of a man whom I was to acknowledge as my significant other, I've suddenly come to realize how much we have changed to become the detached pact we are now. Joe was the one who witnessed my early childhood years and remained by my side ever since. From the beginning, I always thought, or so I thought, that we had chosen each other by fate and was meant to be. “

Please, say something, Joe,” I whispered gently.

He then shifted ever so slightly to avoid facing me. Defeated, I slowly turned from him and welcomed the hollowness of that very night’s silence in my wake. A wave of sheer, cold emptiness passes through the invisible barrier that sets his and my world apart. A heavy voice pierced through the night air, You saw this day coming, didn’t you?

A few inches out of reach, Joe’s body transcended heat far enough to reach the curvature of my bare back. But deep within, I felt vulnerable and stark by the shrill realization that Joe’s presence brought upon nothing more than physical comfort. The bed sheets grew stale cold and all sense of hopelessness enveloped around my entire being. My inner being ached for even the slightest chance of stirring a response in him. Alas, the final bell had sounded. There and then, I have finally succumbed to my tiredness.

            Sometimes, it hurts more to hold on.

            With all that my inner strength could muster, I rose from the bed where my childhood dream still laid wide awake, peering into dark space as though imagining a future without my prior existence. Hot tears cascade from the over-spill of emotions that hold me prisoner to this endearing moment, when I have finally learnt to let go of the heaviest obstacle blocking me from the light at the end of the tunnel...

            Goodbye. 

Short stories, by memory.

Chicken moves over to take the currently vacant lot in front of me. I looked up from my homework to be greeted with a one of his trademark non-verbal cues; the usual toothless, sincere grin he makes when he’s about to start conversation. I smiled back in recognition.

“So, how’re things going with your prom date?”

I gave a nonchalant shrug. Sensing my hesitation, he decides to switch the topic and directed the focus towards himself. I appreciated his unspoken word of understanding, and listened intently as he gave update on how the pairings from previous student-couple shippings were doing at the time.

I took a glance to the back of the class where old soul Lion could be seen taking a light nap in his own territory, and Chicken’s eyes followed. At the time, sheer curiosity had gotten the better of me…

“So how are things between Rae and Lion?”

Chicken barely shook his head in slow motion before fiddling with a key chain around my pencil case.

“I guess that Rae realized,”

“Huh?”

It was then and there; when I had too begun to realize how so much and so little can change within such a short span of time.

This particular scene took place in the library where I normally hung out with Potato during our shared empty class slots. I still remembered flipping through the pages of a green covered booklet which consisted of brain diagrams and names of meanings of structures albeit I also remembered very clearly and am therefore very sure, that nothing had sieved through the depths of my long term memory. What cerebellum? Hypothalamus? Some hormone producing prefecture perhaps, only God knows.

Anyway, Potato had already known beforehand to not even try and beat the very much dreaded afternoon slump. Doing her signature move, she managed to plug in her headset by using her hair as a camouflaging curtain and simply pretended to sleep. Within her ear shot, it was music flowing into one ear and coming out from the other. And that also meant that I had to raise my voice to talk to her, bearing in mind that we were in the library.

That day, however, I was in the mood to talk about things; things concerning our circle of Turban friends. She then grabbed a pencil and began doodling at my past year papers stash. It was a habit of hers as she was never comfortable with looking at people in the eye while talking.

“Do you find that the people in Turban are somewhat similar to one another?”

Potato continued to doodle without giving a response. It took me a while to realize that she was doodling her responses onto the fore-edge of the past year paper stash.

“I don’t know,”

I continued on.

“I find that our kind of people really don’t express our concerns over something until if it’s requested for,” More doodling sounds persisted. “Especially people like Kiwi and Tomato,”

Potato remained silent, but her gaze never shift from the fore-edge, for which she would have dedicated so much of her time to by now. I can’t remember the exact details of exactly how the conversation took on from there; but I felt like I was having an open soliloquy as I continued to shift from one member to another of the Turban clan only to be synchronized with the continuous rattling of Potato’s pencil to the fore-edge.

By the time I finished, Potato had also stopped her doodling. My eyes slowly lingered across the body of the past year question booklet’s very thick fore-edge which read countless short responses, out of which the most memorable was:

“._.”

I looked up to a starry night sky, one of those you wouldn’t believe to be real even if you had seen them with your very own eyes. With everyone having to camp out on sheets of pure blue and orange canvas, I’ve never felt so connected to the surrounding nature; given the unusual nature of my surroundings during the time. Nevertheless it was a breezy, starry night; and I had never felt so consumed by wanderlust as opposed to the very day when I have set out for an outdoor camp with a troop full of people outside family relations, for the first time.  

Four-eyes was gazing out in the same direction, but with a look suggesting a different nature of wonder. He seemed isolated from everyone else. I approached him with the intention of getting him to guard my jacket to bring him back to earth. He shoved the yellow hoodie over his shoulder and continued to stone.

“Do you miss home?”

“My mum. She would be home alone until I’m back,”

“Hmm…” I tried to follow his gaze but eventually started to seek out something which caught more of my attention. All was still.

“I’ve never seen so many stars. Never knew what the city had hidden from us all this while, I guess we do share the same piece of sky, huh?”

Four-eyes smiled.

The high and "almighty"

Sometimes I'd question why.
Or what that I've ever done wrong.
Why do I still disappoint?
Or why I can't meet their standards of
"Acceptable".


Recently.
And once again, I was reminded
of Moments.
Moments where I knelt as victim
to Prejudice,
and Discrimination
for no apparent reason.
See, what was a minor length fling of distaste
was seemingly not apparent,
but merely the "Unseen".
The kind of unseen that
makes a mark of its own kind
and they are to become-
Scars.
Meant to be remembered
and patronized for.


Talking about them. Or they. 
Oh, they would never unveil their true strings
It was simply not worth the sacrifice
as they glow...
Proving their luminous and unfaltering halos that
BEAM.
As bright as freakin' hallelujah!
Comparable to that of the Almighty!
Snobs.
 Their exorbitant and monster-like apparatus of
an EGO
that primes and manipulates
those of
the weak esteemed and faint-hearted.
And cast them further into the shadows.


Though it irks me to admit-
I've brought forward newly sprouted shoots of
shame and self-pity
accumulated over
the time being where I was subjected
to a deep slump of dejection
from sources, people
which and whom I would rather not name...


As I try to hold my head high,
and immerse into a self-contained unit
where I no longer trusted as freely-

In the wake of silence, there is self-defeat.


In search of belonging,
CCM.

22 minutes.

11:10 PM.


Tonight is breezy, breezier than usual.

As I reflect back of my recent past thoughts, speech and actions;

I've come to realize-

There are too many things that I have yet to understand.

Even after all this time,

I've failed to overcome the roots of greed

which had been deeply ingrained within

Ever since day one. 

How much of pain and suffering I've inflicted upon

the dearest and purest of people. 


And yet all along-

I've let ignorance get the better of me.

Blindfolded by bliss,

I always seem to overlook another soul's despair,

For the soft for nothing whining of my faint little heart. 


11:32 PM.

A mix of small thoughts.

As each passing day goes, my world full of ideals had grown to an extent where there can be two extreme ends to what I want for the future. Soon came days where I sometimes can fully envision a life without anyone in my existing circle of connections; not my current friends or family. A strange part of me seemed to be dying to explore a whole new world where my name wouldn't known as Car-Men with a dash.

As I further thought upon the matter, I soon realize that there laid slight possibility being able to dump this life I have and seek out the alternative path that destiny could be hiding from me all this while. So what I've been going through lately is an unusual degree of dissonance among my inner ideals and of course- the REAL now. 

Sometimes I'd like to look back. 

And I begin to realize again that I was once again, straying and shifting between pathways. Then, I also realize that I've grown increasingly more flawed as the days go by. For one, I would always try to avoid long term commitment and responsibility. Number two, I am fickle-minded with the privilege of having choices being offered on a silver platter. Number three, I can be very stubborn and at the same time, selfish to a point where I overlook the needs of others to suffice my own. Voila. The perfect mix of character traits to further complicate and jeopardize the unforeseen future. 

To speak the truth, there are increasingly more days when I feel unmotivated to do anything. But when those days come, I feel urged to push on in fear that I'd lose sight of the other main marathoners with whom I've started running this track of Life with. 

What scares me most is that slightest possibility-

That all along I've striven not out of inspiration or own will;

but out of fear. 

CCM. 

Lost souls and half shadows.

I missed writing to you, Hae.

But I've been talking to you more often than ever. You're the listener that sits in the corner of my mind, taking in every word of my back to back soliloquies that I've never got to say out loud. Writing requires energy and commitment, but thoughts come about much easier; as if they were powered by naturally driven unconscious forces which I would playfully label as passion and interest. Thus far, I've realized that what I'm very passionate about has always had to do with whatever that's out of my grasp and beyond my control. Roughly speaking, I wanted everything that I did not have. My clinging and expectations alas, had brought upon days of dreariness that lingered like thin swirls of incense smoke; with its sweet, lasting aroma doing a waltz with my inner emotions. I lived, resembling the crestfallen state of a lost cause.

I tried to be oblivious to my surroundings at times, so as to not be reminded of how invaluable I may seem to "them". Whenever I needed my peace, I would stride past the masses of lively and well-directed souls to hide in a literal hole, which could be anywhere as long as there aren't enough watchful eyes to peer on me. Where I currently spend a lot time in, college, is a place where I feel like as though I'm half alive and dead. Sometimes I feel like I belong to a student body being of an essential part- on fortunate days, I daresay I fit in like a liver that is constantly busy with over a thousand tasks; and on lonelier days, I'm an appendix that can be removed without a difference.

On the bottom line Hae, I've failed to be self-reliant. I wanted to be appreciated and loved all the same.

The words of the wise might say, You can't make everyone approve. But all along, I've tried to be like water and accommodate to everyone and anyone's needs; for water is known to be the most flexible element, no? It flows roughly down the mountains in form of a river and pours into a cascading form of a waterfall before running deep beneath the still, calming waters of a pond in stream. So water, was supposedly able to adapt to anything under the sky. But such characteristics can bring upon sadness and destruction to one's identity. There are times when I question who the hell am I and what I want for myself in this life. A soul that lingers is one that never rests. I'd like to stop my wandering soul, but I don't know when and where to.

So in my erm... pursuit of seeking my own identity, like how many of my fellow peers are subconsciously doing with fewer whining and grandmother story-telling like myself; I've seen a few sights and underwent a few interesting experiences that I'd like to keep in memory.


First, the lost soul.
He lives on temple grounds
Survives on welfare aid
Goes about the place on Sundays
And preaches to anyone who would listen
on Life's philosophies and the Teacher's teachings.
Knowledgeable and knowing as he may seem
His tone of voice-
Desperate, slightly cracked and sometimes overemotional...
He made me feel doubtful,
for he was a lost soul.

Second, the halved souls.
Through characters that live in  the books of my favorite author
none other than Haruki Murakami
I've learnt the existence of living half souls.
A young boy who lost his consciousness in the meadows
he who was punished unjustly;
the loss of innocence.
A woman whose half soul is claimed
by guilt and despair,
through the rise of sudden fame,
came the accidental loss of her one and only true love;
the loss of hope.
They live among the rest of us,
with their half shadows cast as a grave reminder,
of the loss of half their souls.

Lastly, there was the Lotus flower.
She...
who holds my gaze with a smile that
softened my heart and stirred up such envy-
Oh!
As her blooming radiance transcends
through those of her faded, slightly aged petals
that beholds strings of wilting filaments
marking memories of her painful past
How a beauty so fragile
withstood life's harshest endeavors,
in the midst of forlorn suffering-
She the Lotus still blooms.
But as I gaze into her eyes,
a sense of deep empathy poured in
Look deeper inside,
she's another half soul.


Hmm... Sometimes, being a lost soul has its perks huh?
My wandering soul should rest more often though, I reckon.


Bless all souls,
CCM.

Her wounded silence.

Car-Men says,"So Hey Hae... How's it going? It's been 17 days and counting,"

I'm going to update to you about the ongoings in my life since my last post before I shoot to the main purpose of wanting to post something up today. Recently, I've quit my AUP (American University Program) course to take up SAM (South Australian Matriculation) instead. The switch of course, impacted me in such a way that it seemed surreal that I've joined the program for  more than three weeks and counting. From tight schedules to classes ending at the very LASTEST time slot everyday; along with a consistent volume of workload that's soon going to be able to contrast itself to the size of the Himalayan Alps, I knew that this ain't going to be some "easy way out" option. And it remains a true blue fact that seeing the crowd of nearly a thousand hopefuls wandering about the education hub area where two well established colleges reside, I could already feel the pressure of having to compete against my peers to attain the same goal: In opening the gateway to a holistic education and for some (or more like most of us), to make mummy and daddy proud. La-la-dee-lee-da-da. Feeling skeptical of my sudden nobility, Hae? It's alright, I'll admit that it wasn't until the day when I realized the ugly truth; and nothing but the truth: If I were to keep a lifelong financial journal of how much my parents had invested in my upbringing, I would be worth a moving Ferrari. WOW. 

So maybe I had decided that I didn't want to live the rest of my life thinking that I was investment turned liability. At the very least, I could try my very bestest to make something good out of the golden opportunity that I have in my grasp at the moment. Like how I've said it before, I have more luxuries and happiness than even an average working adult for being blessed with the best people possible around me. 

From here and then, I've been getting a lot of fragmented ideas for another Debbie and Jack story. And in a corner of my mind, they are once again, dying to have their voices heard once more.

*********************************

Jack took a long time gazing out to the panorama view of the city skyline as he stood in the balcony of his apartment, apparently deep in thought. When his phone beeped, it took him slightly more than two glances to see who was calling, and once again he was pulled back to planet earth by the ear piercing wailing of his best friend-

"JACK! Come to the park near Uncle Sam's bakery, I'm wounded,"

"WHO DID IT? IMMA SHOOT THE BASTARD DOWN,"

"Oh yeah? I'd like to see you take down a stray dog,"

"I'm scared of dogs..."

"ARE YOU COMING TO MY AID OR NOT?"

"I'm sorry, Debbie. Do wait,"

***************************

So Debbie encountered this stray dog during her late night jog where this ghostly and enchanting "beast" came out of nowhere, and Debbie ended up tripping over while being caught in a "wild dog chase". Hearing how Debbie initially tried to seduce "the most adorable looking Labrador" which eventually lead her to her literal "downfall", Jack could barely contain his own laughter throughout the drive back to his apartment. At the same time, he triumphed over his one and only chance of seeing Debbie having to use him to get the simplest of things done; for it made him feel superior. 

Then when it came to the most conflicting task-

"Jack,"

"Your highness?" 

"I feel like having a bath,"

Jack froze in his heels.

"You're wounded, aren't you?"

Debbie gave a sour look and stuck out her arms and legs.

"Certain parts Jack... All I'll have to do is wipe the unwounded parts with a cloth or something,"

"It would hurt to bend your arms to reach those parts though,"

A long uncomfortable silence broke out between them.

"Jack,"Debbie's eyes were bright but weary.

As a result, the man standing in room headed straight for the bathroom. The sounds of running water followed after him.

*************************

Neither one of them said single word since Jack had lifted a white robe donned Debbie onto the edge of his bath tub. Debbie gave off a nonchalant look while Jack, on the other hand, seemed fidgety and slightly anxious at Debbie, looking expectant and ready to receive command. However, Debbie remained silent, staring blankly to the bottom of the tub.

For once, Jack made the first move; in hand he had a small white towel which he dipped into the warm water and gave a light squeeze. Then, without daring to look Debbie in the eye, he slowly removed her bath robe. Much to his surprise, she let him strip her and there she was, sitting naked but looking vulnerable in her bare skin. Jack took a longer time to snap out of his thoughts this time round. He was awestruck and down to the bone, he felt a feeling of desire he's once felt being over Hugh's body. As he recalled how he devoured Hugh's man body without hesitation, he realized that he had to practice selflessness and control over his temptations. Debbie's body had him possessed that he didn't dare crumble this beautiful, fragile sculpture of a body that was already wounded and in need of mending.

He started off with her back that was wound-free, rubbing her around the shoulders and slowly travelling down her back, with the cloth movement going in circles like that of a light massage. When Jack was finished scrubbing her back, Debbie slowly turned to face him.

Jack smiled, "Debbie, try sitting in the tub with your wounds above water level,"

Debbie followed suit as Jack took another dip of warm water and a squeeze before resuming his highly honored duty. He was better prepared this time though, as he dared himself to touch her himself rather than fully relying on the cleaning towel. He carefully runs through the curvature of her smooth breasts down to her belly, taking his time to loiter around her fair skin, a treasure hidden from the eyes of most people. Then, he moved to her legs, avoiding the site of her wound, running the cloth up and down her legs until he was left with just... her inner thighs.

Jack was hesitating, for he knew that he was about to break boundaries he never dreamt of crossing; based on best friend terms with Debbie. Would it all be too overwhelming for the both of them after this phenomenon? Would things ever remain the same between the best of friends? This time, out of self-conflict, Jack felt inclined to look up to Debbie's wide eyed gaze. She looked just as unsure and as confused as Jack was.

In a child-like manner, Jack's shiny eyes lit up as he gave Debbie a hard look.
"Do you still need me?"
Alas, a wounded Debbie broke her silence, "Only if you're willing to, Jack,"


*********************************

Signed,
The sensuality addict

CCM.

Typing keys.

I lift a finger to key.

Oh... A tingling sensation
I missed the right key.
My fingers wobbled across the keyboard
Once again, Backspaced another mistake
OH HOW PATHETIC
Wait... Had there been a stain on my finger?
A stain of which sort, and whatever its source,
I must find out the truth.
Flip my hand around
Pulling it closer to my face,
Uncertainty.
I was to repeat the cycle again.
Alas, I curled my fingers in crab style,
The style of curling fingers which was once taught to me
during my childhood years by my piano teacher
Let us go again
......
Alright, I think I'm good.

Hold on...
HOLY FUCK
A fly has swooped past me
Nearly brushing the tip of my ear...
Oh how I hate flies.
That filthy goddamn bastard of a fly
My body shivered in fear and anticipation.
I took a side glance to my phone in my frozen stance
My friend
My beloved
My family
Had tried to reach out to me.
But yet, as still as a staunch mountain,
I was unable to break free
from the chains of my greatest enemy.

Oh... God, I beseech Thee!
Strip my body naked
Unravel me prisoner
From the sufferings of OCD.

Catching up in March.

"After slightly more than two months of starting college"

I think that I've been doing a lot of reminiscing, to an extent that I tend to "blank out" or dissolve into my surrounding background more often than ever before. Mostly, I find myself being in several places at the same time. I could be sitting in a field facing my college basketball court and thinking of the old basketball court from my previous schools- which is especially convenient when your ex-high school's court can be seen from new college itself. It all feels too surreal, to think that just barely a year ago, I was the young girl in school uniform peering over the gates to admire the beautiful college on the other side. I still remembered how I would wake up on a weekday morning and how my body immediately leapt into action as I buttoned up my polo tee, and zipped my skirt without giving much thought as it was like any other morning; sleepy and dreary. Then, at 7.10 am sharp, my little school bus arrives and I bade Nick "Goodbye", said "Good morning Auntie" to the bus driver, and sat next to my pretend son, Keith, along with a bus full of other uniformed passengers.

When I was still a high school student, I would regard every other stranger that strode past me as a "bothersome figure". After graduating and returning as an "alumni", suddenly every familiar face becomes a heartwarming one (Heck, I think I have more friends from high school after leaving it). Though I still made regular visits to old school, to a point where the rush of nostalgia lightens a bit after every subsequent visit, I'd always find that the hardest part of all- was leaving the school again and again knowing that there was once a chapter of my life so rich and fulfilling, but it cannot be relived again.

And once again, starting college was like another cycle of life at the first phase. Like how my sister accurately puts it, "It takes Car-Men at least a few months to adapt,", I'm still at my third month. So yes, admittedly, I'm going through a tough transitioning time. It wasn't a surprise partially because I was expecting the phase, for it was like the time when I first transferred to my former high school two years back. It was yet another series of change, except this time round the "change" felt much more diverse. Nobody had mentally warned me that college life would mean that everything works in progression and true blue friends aka minus-working alias acquaintances would be harder to find. Basically it feels more like a workplace environment, where sometimes student politics come in play and we are made to rely more on ourselves to get things done. A comment from a college forum perfectly described it as: "School being a fine dining sit-down restaurant; where one is properly served, to that of college where it is similar to a buffet dinner with a wide variety of dishes to choose from but one would have to explore what's out there and feed his/herself." Lecturers aren't teachers, because lecturers just speak and don't do guiding work like how teachers do. At least my last batch of teachers made me believe that they were truly the best there was, and seeing that I won't be having any more teachers in the future, it is safe to say that they were the best.

And yet, I've decided upon another big decision: I'm starting over again.

Maybe a switch of study location. And a different learning environment. The warning signs were evident; I could end up in a worse, battered shape because I'm on a rolling stone that simply couldn't stop. To put it in my beloved mother's words,"You're lingering, wandering and loafing, you won't get anywhere like this,". My sources have mentally warned me about this new to-be, overwhelming experience for which I am partially excited at a second opportunity but at the same time, in anticipation for what is to come and cannot be foreseen.

Looking back to days spent in my previous college, I know I had quite the time of my life as well. It's bloody ironic that I'm only sentimental when it comes to the part of closing a chapter and cutting ties when I swore that a month back, I was mentally shooting darts towards most of my college mates for I didn't recognize who was genuine and who wasn't. I was confused and compelled by my emotions to act like a complete stranger towards these aliens in my surroundings. A week ago, I was greeted in college with a few surprise gifts and a sitting ovation of my Calculus class singing me a birthday song. Among the presents I've been given this year, a notable few would be a small yellow bouquet of flowers from my Macha and the most beautifully wrapped present I've ever received in my life from my dearly beloved. My mind was in a hurricane, for I couldn't remember how much I loathed my daily regime of attending college to decide between hating it, or loving it. And just when I thought that I've been over-celebrated; my beloved family of Turban friends threw me a surprise belated-birthday celebration, for which I couldn't feel happier or more grateful for.

Just the day after that, I underwent another exciting experience- travelling alone for the first time. I was to meet up with Potato (who was yet to be based in Australia) for my once again-very first concert. Just as how I foresaw myself many years back attending a One Direction concert my first, One Direction really did turn out to be the first. And it was an AMAZING AMAZING experience. I don't think I've ever felt more comfortable being confined in stadium packed with over thirty thousand people with almost zero anxiety levels for I was truly happy to be there with Potato and her sister. I covered my mouth whenever I screamed in effort to retain my seemingly still composure when actually deep down, I was dying to set my girly desires free. It felt like a place and time, for where and when it was okay to feel young, reckless and vibrant to my heart's content. I also had a share of some marketing and advertising experience with Potato as she made me speak blindly to slightly more than 40 strangers to give away 40 band CDs as a promo service. And yes, it was a NP activity, under the category of what's slightly higher than charity but lower than an obligation. "Hi, my friend started a new band called the Runaway Weekend and we're giving away free music CDs!" What was startling was that most of our target audience went all wide eyed at the prospect of someone giving away free goodies because they couldn't believe it. Free? Just before midnight, we've achieved our goal with stains of sweat, sweat , and sweat.

It is to my great regret that this post was written over a time-span of a week, and within a week I've realized that I've still got lots to say. I really do need to commit more to confiding in you, Hae. I'm at the bumpiest and most exciting phase of my life. I'm full of appreciation for what I have, whilst counting my lucky stars for granting me the luxury of having great people around me to keep me grounded.

Like how my father would tell my sisters and I all the time, "I don't know what you girls have ever done in your past life to deserve the life you three have now, but you must have done something right,"

I've to live up to those words, Hae.

Signed,
CCM.

Apocalypse.

One sunny day I was in daddy's car and he said
Girl, this is one real nice song
Then the beat got stuck inside my head
And I turned it into my own.

I started thinking about life as it is
And I thought we're living an apocalypse.

We live in apocalypse
A grave mistake.
We live by apocalypse
A great mistake.

Sometimes people can try too hard to be
someone who really understands
Uncle Lennon once said through a screen
The more you see the more you don't understand.

We live in apocalypse
A grave mistake.
We live by apocalypse
A great mistake.

Some would say love's just a bonus point in life
It won't define us by who we are
Stand alone and stand from afar and see
Those who share hearts have a bigger heart.

Bigger hearts someday can be split apart
And scatter into broken parts
It's all impermanent the pain the love the pressure
Those broken before will have stronger hearts.

We live in apocalypse
A grave mistake.
We live by apocalypse
A great mistake.

We fight for peace and fight for war
We fight for nearly everything
If fighting's for peace and the end of fighting's peace
What do we really understand?

I can be a man an animal or a woman or tree
And I would still be me
I can be a man an animal or a woman or tree
And I would choose what to be.

We live in apocalypse
A grave mistake.
We live by apocalypse
A great mistake.

There's a God and they say He lives above
We just have to believe He stands
But I think that there's a God within all of us
We're all one and the same
All of us the same.

We try to be same to make ourselves matter
We start an apocalypse to make life harder
We try to be different to make ourselves matter
We start an apocalypse to make life better.

If there's no apocalypse
there won't be mistakes.
We live by apocalypse
The best mistake.

Collide.

It's been a very long time, Hae.

Trust me, I missed you too! A friend asked me why I stopped writing "experiences" and load you up with stories and songs instead. Now, don't belittle those tales of fiction, because really the way I see it is that fiction is real, but there is no real fiction. Every idea of a story ever written to you, is indeed as real as it can be, for it had happened or either happened to inspire me to want to write it down and remember it for being just THAT real.

So today's post will be "fiction that's real" again, gaining its inspiration from a song recommended by a very special someone... Hey dear.

*********************

GPA score of 3.8 minimum... Urgh, don't everyone hate Ivy League schools.

Callie deliberately shushed "The judge", which is technically the voice coming from inside of her head, and scrolled through webpages on separate tabs; browsing as many as she could at one go. On one page showed the brilliant orange emblem of Princeton Uni, contrasting that of the Navy blue tab right next to it that belonged to Yale. She's been at it all afternoon, sitting cross-legged by the fireplace where it was nice and warm to escape the dreary chill of Illinois's infamous winter havoc.

Then Berkeley would be an ideal school, at least I'll be getting an all year round of Californian sunshine. 

Callie gave a low sigh and thrust her pen to a side, suddenly feeling tired and fed up of looking at figures that only ranged between 3.5 to 4. She held her hands above her head only to find that she was being arrested by a young cop by the name of...

"Ash, let me go please,"
"Awwh, but Callie you don't spend so much of time with me as before..."
Four year old Ashton wrapped his arms around Callie and covered her eyes before whispering,
"I missed you, Callie,"

Callie could finally breathe at last. "Ash darling, I'll build another Lego zoo with you in a bit, okay?"
Ashton was satisfied but he stuck out a pinky just a case. Callie outstretched hers, and a deal was secured. The young child gave his older sister a dignified look with his rosy cheeks forming a small grin, then he waddled out of the room. Callie stared back at her screen.

For BioMed, what are my choices... Hmmm There's UCA San Diego, Californian dream destination guaranteed...

Then, her cell phone vibrated for a second worth of time, before going dim again.

Tsk... Another distraction, Callie?

Callie took a short glance at her phone screen, back to the computer's and glanced back at her phone again, after realising who it was.

Tyler: It's freezing outside, isn't it?
Tyler: "Image" Caption: Look at how beautiful my snow angel is!
Tyler: I thought it turned out to look a lot like you.

Gosh... You suck, Tyler. Now I want to go outside too.
But I've a future to plan. Not now...

Callie straighten her posture and tried so hard to focus onto her computer screen that her neck was becoming stiff. Soon, her eyes began to tear up from straining them over a long period of time...

I  really want to go outside.
Tsk.. Tsk... Someone's forgotten her priorities again.
Tyler's important too.
He's important for now... But have you thought of what's going to happen after that?

"Urgh!" Callie massaged her temples as she combed her hair to the sides of her head with her fingers. Reluctantly, she replied to the harsh voice in her head-

I don't know the answer to that myself, even.
In that case, aren't you supposed to find and discover yourself soon enough to be better prepared for what's coming?
But how do I know what the fuck is coming my way anyway?
It's better than having no plans at all. You silly girl.

Just then, Callie's phone vibrated once more.

Tyler: Callie, I've been meaning to tell you this for some time but I've been landed a job at a bar in Springfield, so I'll be making a long trip to perform gigs there with the band. :) The bar owner happened to be in the audience during our Winter fest show, and yes, we are very lucky to have met a chuck like him~ So that'd be our winter job I guess, haha! I'll be leaving next week though, gonna miss you so much. We'll be back home after the winter break.

Callie slammed her laptop shut.

I'm stopping for today, I've done enough.
No, Callie, you've got a few more websites to look through..
My darling's leaving for two months in a week's time!
But what lies ahead of you's important!
But what I have in front of me, right here and right now is important too. Without the people I have now, I'm only half the person I am and could ever grow to be.
Callie... You're beyond rescue.
And I... For one, am beyond pacing ahead of everyone else. I'm fucking going to see the world outside. Right NOW.

Callie reached out for her phone and yelled in the direction of where her adorable police brother Ash could be seen peeking innocently into the fireplace, "Officer Ashton, want to build life-sized snow animals with me?"
The young child was ecstatic, he ran up to grab his coat and scarf at top speed, with his voice ringing from above the stairs, "It's fun time with Callie at last~"

Then, alas, finally time to pour her heart out to her someone special.

Callie: I'll be coming dear. :) Wait for me.

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Bang,
CCM.

Space in my treasure box.

Hae, it's been a very long time since the last time I've wrote to you... with the reason being: Because I had to, but never bothered as much.

Well,I guess that right here and right now; I have to confide in you once more to remember these words that I have to say.

It's just that it's almost as if sometimes I give too much of myself away without realizing so, but I'm actually finding it harder to socialize and be around people these days. I feel like I've changed into this person who would see the dark side of someone before seeing the light, and this feeling struck me as something foreign, for I've always found it easier to trust and confide in people before in the past. This transition made me feel safer; more secure but at the same time, I felt like I've lost a lot more people than I should. Basically, it's a lonely world out there for those who choose to remain more "sheltered" and less exposed.

Like for one, I've just started my first semester of college and I'm living in the phrase of change once more; where I've just encountered around hundreds of new faces whom I will walk past and regard as a new part of my life. And as I type furiously and torture the keys of my new lappy (laptop), I suddenly think of my previous lappy and how much I've bled into those old keys as I wrote to you, Hae, about how much I knew when (Okay, here comes that line again)-

In a life stretched across seventeen years, I was the one who knew "everything", believed in possibly "anything" and desired too much. Looking back, I feel like I was stupid and smart at times. A few days back, I made a visit back to the place where I've underwent most drastic changes to become the better person I am today- Old school. As I walked past the gates and took in everything around me, the same dark corridors, familiar faces that roamed the school floors and smiled back, teachers who were once like a guardians or a mother towards me; I revisited my past and sank into its deepest abyss where I knew that everything that's happened at that very place, was worth it. Thanks to yesterday, I am what I am now, and have what I have. And I should feel blessed for that.

When I checked into this new place called college, I was lucky enough to already have "people" there. But perhaps because of that privilege, I've stopped searching for new people to expand my circle of social networking; or in other words, I just felt like I couldn't trust more than what I already do. Well... This is bad news, for really we're all so very young, and we should be roaming the wild lands like and seven seas to explore and seek what hidden behind.... Blah blah and etc. I don't even want to go down that path.

No, I shouldn't just stop here.

Remember that Potato friend I once wrote about a few posts back and how I once promised to write about her birthday bash but have completely left that promise still standing until now? It's time to fulfill it. For one, my fondest memory of that day would be how she Whatsapped me afterwards telling me how I've ruined the special occasion for her by screaming out loud. She said she felt touched and happy but no thanks to the call of the crazy monkey (my voice), she felt more intimidation over any form of excitement at all. I just felt like shooting myself at the time.

In a few days, she'd really be leaving this place.

I guess that at this very moment, I'm clinging onto every part of her that I could while I still could. I think my new phrase of life would have officially begun after she's left me. During the past year, I've honestly cannot remember a time when she wasn't a part of my life. Heck, there was a time when my mobile log would only be a list of her missed calls (I never answered those calls) and I've been to her house slash car before the two grandest occasions of my life when I've actually worn a dress and those evening walks and tuition sessions comprising of different teachers... Wow, thinking back, there's still more. Thanks to her, I've had free hospital visits and laid down on a bunk watching movies in my school uniform after school. I've ever had a tuition class while Skyping someone at a hospital before. The most beautiful trips I've gone with her- OBS and Penang, where I've found happiness of a rare kind called love. Somehow, anyhow, she had always been there.

And this is someone whom I've hugged less than five times... Ever before I reckon.

No, we don't see eye to eye all the time. And as I write to you, I'm in her room but we are just sharing this moment of silence between each other because we don't know what to say to each other. Here are words that I cannot say out loud:

We may be split miles apart for real now, but what you've left behind, I'd never forget.

Thank you, Potato. For truly, everything. I know that I'll miss you along with the other people whom you've touched in this place.

Sometimes, I would jab myself and wonder if I'm dreaming because I find it hard to believe that I've lived a life so rich and fulfilling before. And the wonders of life that I currently have with me, I'd kept inside my treasure box of life. The only thing is- I've to add more treasures to it.

Or else all that unused space... would be wasted away.

When everything's meant to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

Words from "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls, some of my favourite lines of lyrics.
And with that,
Thank you my treasures... If if weren't for y'all, I'd never be.

Love,
CCM.

Flights.

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Jack was panting as he dragged his worn out feet up the tenth flight of stairs. Debbie was still pacing ahead.

"Debbie, I've reach my limit..." He took a breath of stale air and looked at Debbie with a pitiful gaze.
As usual, he got ignored.
"Wow... How on earth are you going to last through sex," she chimed playfully.
"HEY! That topic's completely off tangent,"Jack protested."And you'd be the last person I want to talk about this to,"
"We've only got like, a thousand steps to go, Jackie,"
"Only,"
"Yeah, only,"

Jack plunged on with all his might as to prove Debbie wrong, and to Debbie's amazement, he managed to last another two flights of stairs before puncturing, for real this time.

Debbie passed him a bottle of water and reached a out a hand to wipe off large droplets of sweat running down his red temples. Oh God, your face looks fucking red. But Jack jerked his head away from her reach and sulked like a child.

"I'm angry at you,"
"For what? Making you do something that's actually going to benefit you?"
"You know I easily get tired and all... With my problem,"
"Problem? Oh...... I sort of forgotten about that," She took a quick glance at her watch ,"We need to make it to the top in less than half an hour in order to reach our target,"
"There was never an "our", it's just your wish out of me,"

The air within the vertically tight compound turned still.

Debbie merely looked nonchalant as she turned from him and continued to jog up the stairs. She stopped midway up the next flight of stairs when she realised that Jack hadn't moved from his place since stopping. Then, Jack closed his eyes and spoke his heart for the first time:

"Hopes and dreams,
Always out of reach.
I'm tied down by my strings of fate and destiny.

I've seen a swan,
Bold and beautiful.
She danced at my feet, so rare, so exquisite...

She looks at me and gaze,
How I wish I could be just as same,
She bends and pulls me to feet.

I stand but merely stare,
as I look down upon my broken self
and watch you spread your wings......

To take flight."

Once he opened his eyes, he immediately looked up to her.

She looked stunned, but he was certain that she was also crying. Then, the latter finally spoke-

"Screw time, goals, fate, destiny and all......" She ran down to where the fallen star was "There's still hope, I know it,"
Debbie bent down to reach for Jack's sweaty palm.

"There's still enough time for us to reach the top,"

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