Lost souls and half shadows.

I missed writing to you, Hae.

But I've been talking to you more often than ever. You're the listener that sits in the corner of my mind, taking in every word of my back to back soliloquies that I've never got to say out loud. Writing requires energy and commitment, but thoughts come about much easier; as if they were powered by naturally driven unconscious forces which I would playfully label as passion and interest. Thus far, I've realized that what I'm very passionate about has always had to do with whatever that's out of my grasp and beyond my control. Roughly speaking, I wanted everything that I did not have. My clinging and expectations alas, had brought upon days of dreariness that lingered like thin swirls of incense smoke; with its sweet, lasting aroma doing a waltz with my inner emotions. I lived, resembling the crestfallen state of a lost cause.

I tried to be oblivious to my surroundings at times, so as to not be reminded of how invaluable I may seem to "them". Whenever I needed my peace, I would stride past the masses of lively and well-directed souls to hide in a literal hole, which could be anywhere as long as there aren't enough watchful eyes to peer on me. Where I currently spend a lot time in, college, is a place where I feel like as though I'm half alive and dead. Sometimes I feel like I belong to a student body being of an essential part- on fortunate days, I daresay I fit in like a liver that is constantly busy with over a thousand tasks; and on lonelier days, I'm an appendix that can be removed without a difference.

On the bottom line Hae, I've failed to be self-reliant. I wanted to be appreciated and loved all the same.

The words of the wise might say, You can't make everyone approve. But all along, I've tried to be like water and accommodate to everyone and anyone's needs; for water is known to be the most flexible element, no? It flows roughly down the mountains in form of a river and pours into a cascading form of a waterfall before running deep beneath the still, calming waters of a pond in stream. So water, was supposedly able to adapt to anything under the sky. But such characteristics can bring upon sadness and destruction to one's identity. There are times when I question who the hell am I and what I want for myself in this life. A soul that lingers is one that never rests. I'd like to stop my wandering soul, but I don't know when and where to.

So in my erm... pursuit of seeking my own identity, like how many of my fellow peers are subconsciously doing with fewer whining and grandmother story-telling like myself; I've seen a few sights and underwent a few interesting experiences that I'd like to keep in memory.


First, the lost soul.
He lives on temple grounds
Survives on welfare aid
Goes about the place on Sundays
And preaches to anyone who would listen
on Life's philosophies and the Teacher's teachings.
Knowledgeable and knowing as he may seem
His tone of voice-
Desperate, slightly cracked and sometimes overemotional...
He made me feel doubtful,
for he was a lost soul.

Second, the halved souls.
Through characters that live in  the books of my favorite author
none other than Haruki Murakami
I've learnt the existence of living half souls.
A young boy who lost his consciousness in the meadows
he who was punished unjustly;
the loss of innocence.
A woman whose half soul is claimed
by guilt and despair,
through the rise of sudden fame,
came the accidental loss of her one and only true love;
the loss of hope.
They live among the rest of us,
with their half shadows cast as a grave reminder,
of the loss of half their souls.

Lastly, there was the Lotus flower.
She...
who holds my gaze with a smile that
softened my heart and stirred up such envy-
Oh!
As her blooming radiance transcends
through those of her faded, slightly aged petals
that beholds strings of wilting filaments
marking memories of her painful past
How a beauty so fragile
withstood life's harshest endeavors,
in the midst of forlorn suffering-
She the Lotus still blooms.
But as I gaze into her eyes,
a sense of deep empathy poured in
Look deeper inside,
she's another half soul.


Hmm... Sometimes, being a lost soul has its perks huh?
My wandering soul should rest more often though, I reckon.


Bless all souls,
CCM.