I think that I've been doing a lot of reminiscing, to an extent that I tend to "blank out" or dissolve into my surrounding background more often than ever before. Mostly, I find myself being in several places at the same time. I could be sitting in a field facing my college basketball court and thinking of the old basketball court from my previous schools- which is especially convenient when your ex-high school's court can be seen from new college itself. It all feels too surreal, to think that just barely a year ago, I was the young girl in school uniform peering over the gates to admire the beautiful college on the other side. I still remembered how I would wake up on a weekday morning and how my body immediately leapt into action as I buttoned up my polo tee, and zipped my skirt without giving much thought as it was like any other morning; sleepy and dreary. Then, at 7.10 am sharp, my little school bus arrives and I bade Nick "Goodbye", said "Good morning Auntie" to the bus driver, and sat next to my pretend son, Keith, along with a bus full of other uniformed passengers.
When I was still a high school student, I would regard every other stranger that strode past me as a "bothersome figure". After graduating and returning as an "alumni", suddenly every familiar face becomes a heartwarming one (Heck, I think I have more friends from high school after leaving it). Though I still made regular visits to old school, to a point where the rush of nostalgia lightens a bit after every subsequent visit, I'd always find that the hardest part of all- was leaving the school again and again knowing that there was once a chapter of my life so rich and fulfilling, but it cannot be relived again.
And once again, starting college was like another cycle of
life at the first phase. Like how my sister accurately puts it, "It takes
Car-Men at least a few months to adapt,", I'm still at my third month. So
yes, admittedly, I'm going through a tough transitioning time. It wasn't a
surprise partially because I was expecting the phase, for it was like the time
when I first transferred to my former high school two years back. It was yet
another series of change, except this time round the "change" felt
much more diverse. Nobody had mentally warned me that college life would mean
that everything works in progression and true blue friends aka minus-working
alias acquaintances would be harder to find. Basically it feels more like a
workplace environment, where sometimes student politics come in play and we are
made to rely more on ourselves to get things done. A comment from a college
forum perfectly described it as: "School being a fine dining sit-down
restaurant; where one is properly served, to that of college where it is
similar to a buffet dinner with a wide variety of dishes to choose from but one
would have to explore what's out there and feed his/herself." Lecturers aren't teachers, because lecturers just speak and don't do guiding work like how
teachers do. At least my last batch of teachers made me believe that they were
truly the best there was, and seeing that I won't be having any more teachers in the future,
it is safe to say that they were the best.
And yet, I've decided upon another big decision: I'm starting over again.
Maybe a switch of study location. And a different learning environment. The warning signs were evident; I could end up in a worse, battered shape because I'm on a rolling stone that simply couldn't stop. To put it in my beloved mother's words,"You're lingering, wandering and loafing, you won't get anywhere like this,". My sources have mentally warned me about this new to-be, overwhelming experience for which I am partially excited at a second opportunity but at the same time, in anticipation for what is to come and cannot be foreseen.
Looking back to days spent in my previous college, I know I had quite the time of my life as well. It's bloody ironic that I'm only sentimental when it comes to the part of closing a chapter and cutting ties when I swore that a month back, I was mentally shooting darts towards most of my college mates for I didn't recognize who was genuine and who wasn't. I was confused and compelled by my emotions to act like a complete stranger towards these aliens in my surroundings. A week ago, I was greeted in college with a few surprise gifts and a sitting ovation of my Calculus class singing me a birthday song. Among the presents I've been given this year, a notable few would be a small yellow bouquet of flowers from my Macha and the most beautifully wrapped present I've ever received in my life from my dearly beloved. My mind was in a hurricane, for I couldn't remember how much I loathed my daily regime of attending college to decide between hating it, or loving it. And just when I thought that I've been over-celebrated; my beloved family of Turban friends threw me a surprise belated-birthday celebration, for which I couldn't feel happier or more grateful for.
Just the day after that, I underwent another exciting experience- travelling alone for the first time. I was to meet up with Potato (who was yet to be based in Australia) for my once again-very first concert. Just as how I foresaw myself many years back attending a One Direction concert my first, One Direction really did turn out to be the first. And it was an AMAZING AMAZING experience. I don't think I've ever felt more comfortable being confined in stadium packed with over thirty thousand people with almost zero anxiety levels for I was truly happy to be there with Potato and her sister. I covered my mouth whenever I screamed in effort to retain my seemingly still composure when actually deep down, I was dying to set my girly desires free. It felt like a place and time, for where and when it was okay to feel young, reckless and vibrant to my heart's content. I also had a share of some marketing and advertising experience with Potato as she made me speak blindly to slightly more than 40 strangers to give away 40 band CDs as a promo service. And yes, it was a NP activity, under the category of what's slightly higher than charity but lower than an obligation. "Hi, my friend started a new band called the Runaway Weekend and we're giving away free music CDs!" What was startling was that most of our target audience went all wide eyed at the prospect of someone giving away free goodies because they couldn't believe it. Free? Just before midnight, we've achieved our goal with stains of sweat, sweat , and sweat.
It is to my great regret that this post was written over a time-span of a week, and within a week I've realized that I've still got lots to say. I really do need to commit more to confiding in you, Hae. I'm at the bumpiest and most exciting phase of my life. I'm full of appreciation for what I have, whilst counting my lucky stars for granting me the luxury of having great people around me to keep me grounded.
Like how my father would tell my sisters and I all the time, "I don't know what you girls have ever done in your past life to deserve the life you three have now, but you must have done something right,"
I've to live up to those words, Hae.
Signed,
CCM.
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