Space in my treasure box.

Hae, it's been a very long time since the last time I've wrote to you... with the reason being: Because I had to, but never bothered as much.

Well,I guess that right here and right now; I have to confide in you once more to remember these words that I have to say.

It's just that it's almost as if sometimes I give too much of myself away without realizing so, but I'm actually finding it harder to socialize and be around people these days. I feel like I've changed into this person who would see the dark side of someone before seeing the light, and this feeling struck me as something foreign, for I've always found it easier to trust and confide in people before in the past. This transition made me feel safer; more secure but at the same time, I felt like I've lost a lot more people than I should. Basically, it's a lonely world out there for those who choose to remain more "sheltered" and less exposed.

Like for one, I've just started my first semester of college and I'm living in the phrase of change once more; where I've just encountered around hundreds of new faces whom I will walk past and regard as a new part of my life. And as I type furiously and torture the keys of my new lappy (laptop), I suddenly think of my previous lappy and how much I've bled into those old keys as I wrote to you, Hae, about how much I knew when (Okay, here comes that line again)-

In a life stretched across seventeen years, I was the one who knew "everything", believed in possibly "anything" and desired too much. Looking back, I feel like I was stupid and smart at times. A few days back, I made a visit back to the place where I've underwent most drastic changes to become the better person I am today- Old school. As I walked past the gates and took in everything around me, the same dark corridors, familiar faces that roamed the school floors and smiled back, teachers who were once like a guardians or a mother towards me; I revisited my past and sank into its deepest abyss where I knew that everything that's happened at that very place, was worth it. Thanks to yesterday, I am what I am now, and have what I have. And I should feel blessed for that.

When I checked into this new place called college, I was lucky enough to already have "people" there. But perhaps because of that privilege, I've stopped searching for new people to expand my circle of social networking; or in other words, I just felt like I couldn't trust more than what I already do. Well... This is bad news, for really we're all so very young, and we should be roaming the wild lands like and seven seas to explore and seek what hidden behind.... Blah blah and etc. I don't even want to go down that path.

No, I shouldn't just stop here.

Remember that Potato friend I once wrote about a few posts back and how I once promised to write about her birthday bash but have completely left that promise still standing until now? It's time to fulfill it. For one, my fondest memory of that day would be how she Whatsapped me afterwards telling me how I've ruined the special occasion for her by screaming out loud. She said she felt touched and happy but no thanks to the call of the crazy monkey (my voice), she felt more intimidation over any form of excitement at all. I just felt like shooting myself at the time.

In a few days, she'd really be leaving this place.

I guess that at this very moment, I'm clinging onto every part of her that I could while I still could. I think my new phrase of life would have officially begun after she's left me. During the past year, I've honestly cannot remember a time when she wasn't a part of my life. Heck, there was a time when my mobile log would only be a list of her missed calls (I never answered those calls) and I've been to her house slash car before the two grandest occasions of my life when I've actually worn a dress and those evening walks and tuition sessions comprising of different teachers... Wow, thinking back, there's still more. Thanks to her, I've had free hospital visits and laid down on a bunk watching movies in my school uniform after school. I've ever had a tuition class while Skyping someone at a hospital before. The most beautiful trips I've gone with her- OBS and Penang, where I've found happiness of a rare kind called love. Somehow, anyhow, she had always been there.

And this is someone whom I've hugged less than five times... Ever before I reckon.

No, we don't see eye to eye all the time. And as I write to you, I'm in her room but we are just sharing this moment of silence between each other because we don't know what to say to each other. Here are words that I cannot say out loud:

We may be split miles apart for real now, but what you've left behind, I'd never forget.

Thank you, Potato. For truly, everything. I know that I'll miss you along with the other people whom you've touched in this place.

Sometimes, I would jab myself and wonder if I'm dreaming because I find it hard to believe that I've lived a life so rich and fulfilling before. And the wonders of life that I currently have with me, I'd kept inside my treasure box of life. The only thing is- I've to add more treasures to it.

Or else all that unused space... would be wasted away.

When everything's meant to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

Words from "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls, some of my favourite lines of lyrics.
And with that,
Thank you my treasures... If if weren't for y'all, I'd never be.

Love,
CCM.