That's the thing about growing up...

It sucks. It's the most important stage of your life.

Because everything that has happened, or is yet to happen at this phrase of life, will eventually define the kind of person we'll turn out to be. Every mistake, fragment of soon to be forgotten memories, even the ones that don't matter much; will come back to haunt us someday. And when that someday comes, we could only wish that we were the same young batch of seventeen year old hopefuls trying to find our rightful places in this world right?

...Right?

... I'm honestly not so sure about that. At the moment, that is.

Hae.

I owe it up to you so much, for I should have written more. For deep down inside, I know that I'm no longer the same girl who wrote that depressing post about my nanny's suicidal attempt three months ago. It's only been less than a hundred days, but it feels like as though I've aged a hundred years. You know it when you look into a mirror.

Mirrors of time.

And feel like you've lost something. What was once a look of timeless innocence, a flower that's never withered once but stayed in its season of full bloom... Gone. There really is no explanation for it, except for the fact that sometimes, we really do lose ourselves in the midst of trying to find ourselves. In this phrase of time, living life in such routine, but the occasional hard bumps and knock downs that REALLY push you out there; to conquer the roughest and deepest waters and give you a chance to resurface...

Only to find that you're still searching.

Alas, forgive me, Hae, for being seventeen. However, I would remember to make a mental note to always and always remember how difficult it is to be seventeen and trying seek solace in this mad, crazy and world of ours. I want to look back and laugh at the tearful wet moments and cry over the moments that I'd swore that I'll never forget. 

Here's an interesting way to see "change": Music.

Hard to believe but inevitably true. Music is like another language, that does all of the talking through songs being sung by voice, maybe even a voice that does not belong to you, but when you replay the song in your head and literally feel in your veins, you feel that connection. Without knowing it, you start singing too. The world's biggest joke will be me rebooting my old phone to find that my 2011 playlist screamed nothing but what's loud and crazy- young renaissance. Don't get me wrong on this... I still have High School Musical tracks in my current playlist and yes, I'm never deleting those tracks. There's nothing so nostalgic as to listening to a song that drowns you into a pool of memories and you smile that silly smile to yourself. Crazy reminiscing. 

New Heights. Kina Grannis. Paradise Fears. The younger Coldplay. The older songs. The six string beauties I have at home.

I say, thank you for the music, the songs that made me sway against the wind instead of being blown away.

It's 12.23 am on my lappy, and it calls for another sleepless night.

However, I promise with all I have in and out and all over me...

Then I'll write about every other sleepless night,
what's...

innermost 

deepest

darkest

sweetest

"sour"iest

lightest

hardest

even the ones that I'd rather forget...

I'll tell all of them to you.

Because sometimes even I tend to forget...

That I made you to serve the very purpose...

Of remembering.

To remember who I am.

Love you,

CCM.