Many light years ago, I, CCM, genuinely believed that the world and universe revolved around me, and hence, all of life's greatest events will eventually fall in place, in co-ordinance with the alignment of the planets in the universe, and everything will always be in my favour. Hae. Forgive me... For being a spoilt brat.
I was a selfish and self-centered little monster; and if it weren't for today's blabbermouthing, chatterbox session with a table full of the women who once witnessed my lifelong habits, I would have forgotten the little faggot whom I used to be.
And true to be honest, I feel glad to be reminded of sillier times and light hearted moments.
I was the 7 year old girl who had to wave goodbye hysterically like a lunatic to my mum every time she drove out for work and if I missed my daily opportunity, I would call her another 4 times to repeat the word GOODBYE over the phone with my mum begging on the other end to hang up. I was the one year old baby who nearly gave my uncle a heart attack in the car because I was afraid of the darkness of the still night; which resulted in him buying a battery functioned lantern just to shut me up. Yes, the ones that played funny folk songs along with it, so it was turned on and off throughout the whole journey because it sounded THAT agitating. I was also the 5 year old who tried to chase a house full of relatives out of my grandparent's house during Chinese New Year because I could not stand the thought of strangers sitting on my favourite swing, and I got a generous red "ang pau"(aka caning) on my buttocks for that, compliments from my beloved grandfather. To top things up, I was the only lucky offspring to have received the "rotan"'s kiss(aka caning) from every adult in my extended family, which means a big deal because that puts me on the top of the naughty naughty list.
Looking back, I was a weird kid. The weird kid who gave everyone headaches and bitterbitter memories, since none of them were considerably sweet. As I write this, the father of one of my childhood friend just walked past me and exclaimed,"Waa it's so late, you're another Lester now, bedtime for him's 3 am," and that was coming from the same uncle who cleaned my runny nose after jumping out of a pool during my of those regular beach trips we would make with his family of two sons then, and looking at him now my thoughts just go into a state of full nostalgia. Sigh, how much he's aged. He used to look so handsome, being at the prime of his late thirties with more hair and shine in his skin. Now, he's older, I'm older, and Lester's probably sixteen and God, I have not seen him in ages. We would all roll in sand, along the shore until we touched the rim of the tiny waves that came up to the shore. Days of island hopping, island after island with seas of greenish blue and sands that felt like powder and being the children we were, we cared about nothing but the fun.
I still do have a recollection of fragmented memories, memories that shrink along as the days go by, pictures in my head that grow blurrer as I grow along with time. Like all of us, I believe that more and more of these jewels will disappear slowly as we try to create more treasures to keep in our jewellery box of life; so that's why it's important to find a way to remember them. Remember that every one of those bitterbitter and sweetsweet moments count. In fact, by experience the more you try to forget something, the more you'll remember it. It's life in paradoxical effect, and we can't deny that, or fall victim to life's greatest suffering- which is life itself.
Life, is FULL of suffering.
I learnt that from 17 years of being a Buddhist. You live, you suffer and you feel happiness. Same goes with emotions. To be able to feel hatred in any way, there must have been love, once. My strongest belief is that the love-hate relationships are the only ones to last forever. There's never full love and full hate for anything or anyone; because when two elements are in play, they need each other to forge the strongest bond or the tie will breakeven (Yes, love The Script).
Love, love, skinny love...
Because it's another one of those sleepless nights, I'll talk bedtime stories.
Being the idealist I was back then, eleven years old and wanting to be queen, I also wanted to be some else's princess. Such years were filled with innocence and naivety, I became prey... to my first puppy love. I called it my first because I started the chase, that stupid gimmick "LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT"... I liked that bastard. I wanted him so bad that I would cuddle up in blankets and hug my baby bolster wondering why he had to be so "good looking" and why can't God just make us cousins so that I didn't have to feel anymore for him than a cousin or nephew or something. Even up until today, I still remember that he sat in front of me, left seat, and how he turned out and sang Love story out to me not knowing how hard my heart beat when he did and how I would walk halfway across the class just to catch his scent. One thing that I couldn't remember was how the chase died. Well, thinking about those years make me smile now.
You think back to yourself going, "Stupid little girl,". That's puppy love for me. It's that phrase of life when you're undergoing a small part of an epidermic change that seemed like a milestone life event and you'll think that you've known nearly everything or maybe EVERYTHING. So that was why I believed that true love is all about feel and emotion, and whatever I saw that made my eye twinkle was all that mattered.
The 17 year old me now would pinch that eleven year old girl's cheeks and go, "You'll see what you'll think about that bastard when you turn seventeen,".
And for the sake of older times, I'll keep my lips sealed about what I think. But if I were to be able to travel in time, I would remind my younger self of my dear cousins words in one of her letters to me, "Unless if you're ready for it, don't,". I have felt deeply, before. But I was never ready, Hae. The one thing that could completely destruct me were my emotions, and time and time again, I was always the prisoner of love.
Trying to break away from its chains,
but we all know
that life's a circle and cycle
of sufferings
bittersweet
heartfelt moments......
And the more you resist,
the more you feel.
Still stuck.
Goodnight Hae,
CCM.
No comments:
Post a Comment