April of Awakening.

I'll speak to you casually, Hae, like how casual friends do.
Because I honestly don't know how else you're gonna digest all that I have to say about April 2014.

You see... 17 years of life experience taught me many things. It's like a flow of past events running down a long funnel, where everything grows along with you as your world expands and you dive in deeper, into the depths of harsh and sweet reality that you never saw coming. Even now, as I think back to the day when it all happened, it's still hard to believe that it really did.

Because when someone dear to you tries to commit suicide and actually tried to... It numbs a person.

What I remembered was a loud voice screaming,"I'll be home," in the hallways outside Aunty Maureen's door and as if we were trying to trap time by the seconds, Daddy and I left as soon as we cleared the counter, with Aunty Maureen hurrying after us to give her last "Goodbye" for it was to be my last time to be seeing her in hopefully a long time. I also remembered how Lyn screamed over the phone, her 12 year old self sounding years younger than she already was, how little her voice echoed through the fear of losing a life; that an ambulance was coming for the first time. Then, Lee's voice came quivering with words like "medicine", "your medicine", "too much" and "Mummy unable to speak" and then came Daddy's voice booming "I'm coming" once more. And I, for once, wished I hadn't had a heart that'll suddenly weigh so much that the thought of wanting to be home never hit me as hard as it did then. Everything felt out of place during then, it suddenly became unfair that cars were blocking our long journey home, it suddenly became unfair that I had to sacrifice making long trips to Cheras just to see Aunty Maureen, it suddenly became unfair that Lyn and Lee had to be in the midst of everything happening at home, and it was unfair, so very wrong for us to have pushed Nanny to her limit, until she gave in and surrendered herself.

I started chanting. Daddy turned off the radio and let me chant out loud, taking in every word. I don't think I've ever been more earnest in my chanting before, for all I could think of was Nanny. After the last of my prayer, I felt one or two tear drops form and clung on to my belt from time to time, pulling tighter as Daddy made cuts, swerves, possible illegal turns and only let go once we reached our gate.

The ambulance arrived just before us; and the doors were already swung open with a stretcher in the kitchen. Then, out came the girls who ran into my arms crying and I stood there, feeling just as vulnerable as they, but I can't show it. Three big-sized grown men carried Nanny's stretcher and for one long moment, I met her eyes but that couldn't be the Nanny who once cried outside my mum's room when Mummy forced me to sleep with her as a baby, for she got jealous of the way I always stop crying whenever Nanny held me in her arms. Her beautiful nut brown face was white for the very first time with her mouth hanging upwards and eyes seemingly looking into a far distance, slowly fading...

My heart really did stop beating. I wanted to run onto the stretcher and join her, but Mummy wanted to escort her so I watch them go. Lyn's face was still buried in my shirt but I couldn't assure that all was well. It was only until we hopped into the car that Daddy assured us,"She'll be fine. She took mostly fever pills and some of the cough tablets, in large amounts but she'll be okay. The big-sized Uncle took her blood and said so," Lyn was so cute though, she still kept on talking about how sorry she was for ever being a bad girl and screaming at Nanny and she swore that she'll never misbehave again. Everyone laughed for the first time.

The next sentimental moment came when we entered the ICU unit with a loud pump making pump sounds in our wake. Only that it wasn't a pump, it was Nanny's squealing. There was a pump, but it was the cause of her pain, trying to suck out everything they could before it digests into her system. It was extremely painful to hear and watch, soon after we were kicked out for being a "disturbance". Finally, I leaned back against the wall of the second hospital of the day, and let it all out. I wasn't one to cry in public, but doing so at the time brought upon closure; the more tears streamed, the better it felt after.

When they were finally done with Nanny, we poured into the ward, surrounding a very very very remorseful Nanny. The Hallmark scene played, but I witnessed all including Daddy, who I've never seen cry before, shed tears for Nanny, with Nanny doing most of the crying herself. She said sorry so many times I lost count, and we lifted her with our love. Forgiveness. Another I love you. And assurance that it's another nightmare that's going to end soon. And then, we got kicked out for being a "disturbance" again.

Over days of slow healing, we learned how to heal a wounded heart and to heal our own wounded hearts ourselves. Regarding why Nanny did what she did, I'll keep that answer sealed inside my heart for her sake; but all I have to say on the behalf of the many many other people who once felt the same way, is that we're only human. And those words go beyond Christina Perri's song, for it's okay to surrender sometimes. Surrender every wish or desire, but never surrender the very gift of life, for every life loss will make a difference, even in the littlest ways possible. Remember that you were once a daughter or son. Maybe you have a daughter or son. Or that childhood friend that thinks of you every time she sees a playground. The one teacher who was once so fond of you that she treated you like her own. The same boy who waited all his life to say hello and more.

An April of Awakening it was for me.
These days, seeing the whole family just being their happy selves bring on a new meaning.
I go to school, and still dread school but
seeing friends, whether if they're angry, frowning or laughing so hard
that they outshine the Sun (Inside Joke ;)
and teachers
as they come in and out of class
Feeling their every emotion...
I feel blessed.
For I feel blessed that emotions are being wasted on
the memorable things worth remembering,
leaving the ones meant to be forgotten, like the nightmare above,
Far, far behind.
Truly out of sight,
Out of mind.
That... is eternal bliss.


Goodbye, April.

Yours,
CCM.