Looking into a mirror.

"Okay, now imagine that I'm a mirror being right in front of you and you're staring into me,"

I raised an eyebrow and gave Aunty Maureen a bemused look in return. This was by far the most "out of the world"ish therapy we had to do yet, and by that I mean after 8 months of having embarked on this "marathon to healing one's self",this particular gesture came out of the blue.

"What? Why..."
"Now speak to me. Speak to your reflection, and say the things that you're good at, your best qualities or anything positive about yourself. Like maybe, 'I'm a kind person', 'I have a friendly personality' or maybe 'I'm beautiful' but bear in mind, it has to come from YOU and not anyone else okay?"

I was struck. It had never occurred to me once that she'll have to go to such measures to make me feel better about myself. Deep down, I'll say that this is more of a depression treatment therapy instead but lately, I can't deny that it is generally getting harder for me to feel like I do have a standing out there, Hae. I mean, seeing everyone around drift further and further away from ground zero and being better and better at what their "destined" to do; they just seemed to be blossoming while I'm stuck between those lines of not knowing what to do with my life, really. So when a milestone question like that being's thrown at me, what am I supposed to say?

I tell people that I never gave it much thought, but the truth was that it's always wandering through the back of my mind. Where will I end up in 10 years time. What will I end up doing? The kind of person I want to be in life. Or as I am, will I ever blossom like everyone else if I can't even muster the confidence to say one good thing about myself?

"I'm not so sure actually..."
"Just be honest with yourself, Car-Men. Say it without any judgement,"

To be dead honest, the word "judge" should never cease to exist in the first place. Then, there won't be any right and wrongs and people will roam around the planet feeling like they're all kings and queens. Yes, Hae. I enjoy those moments where I get to showcase my 'long' standards of immaturity for the sake of harmless fun~

Unfortunately, that will never happen. Modern day society just forbids it. Whether if it's spoken, spoken behind backs or never spoken, the whole world is waiting to judge you.

I don't know what to say for myself really.

It's been a rough time for me these few weeks. Those hard blows keep on coming to knock me down and some of them still hit me hard in the chest whenever I think about them today.

"You make no sense,"
"I see you being the Head of Nurses in a hospital someday,"
"You still make no sense,"
"Lawyer? Lawyer buruk?"
"Car-Men makes no sense,"
"I see you being a kindergarten teacher,"

Degrading isn't the word. Or maybe it is. I felt like the world suddenly became a smaller and bigger place at the same time. It shrank because I suddenly felt like as if the 57,308,738 Sq. Miles (148,429,000 Sq. Km) that cover the surface of planet Earth won't be enough to contain the exploding lava that's due to shoot out from Car-Men's volcano of outraged emotions anytime. Deep down, I know that I made sacrifices that meant saying goodbye to a school of teachers and friends that mean a whole other world to me just to stand a chance to receive better education at a strange new institution where I'll have to start learning EVERYTHING from ground zero again. And I know that I managed to make the cut because I was worth that sacrifice. 

I will make a stand and prove the odds wrong. 
You wait and see.
Here's what happened next in the mirror, Hae.

It took me a huge breath and a leapt of courage to say..

"I think that I'm good at writing,"
Aunty Maureen smiled. And pointed out that that was the first smile coming from me that morning too.
"Why do you think so?"
Smiling at the time felt great. It was like a rush of sudden positive energy flowing through my veins and my heart felt light enough to muster a laugh.
"Writing's the way I express myself best. I feel like it is something that I'll leave in my jewelry box of life and make sure it stays there until the day I die regardless of how people judge the way I write. It is the strongest and most powerful voice I have woven inside of me,"

I can't remember if I said anything else, Hae. But here's another thing I've learnt about life in all 17 years of living. If need be, praise yourself. Even if the whole world disapproves and makes every positive emotion in you flow down the drain, to every living monster out there, you ARE worth it. Everyone deserves a little time to feel self absorbed once in a while, even if it'll hurt to find out that your jewelry box is really empty, just smile at it to feel grateful that you at least still do have a box to call your own.

Your own box of life.

Hae, it is admittedly getting harder for me to feel good these days.
Even if I try to make it sound heroic,
there is no joy in seeing everyone spring forward first,
leaving you standing behind thinking...
What do I do now?

My thoughts for now, are wiser spent grieving along with the entire nation.
Deepest condolences go out to the family and friends of the passengers onboard MH370.
And to CHS for their loss of a prefect, he was only 17.
It's getting harder to walk about with a peace of mind too.

Peace out,
CCM.