Few weeks back, you've probably heard from a girl who's tried her luck at sounding like, "Oh, I know so much,".
Two days ago, the same girl had graduated from high school.
This is really the most amazing process, change. Pretty much it's like flowing down the waterfall instead of fighting against the current, seeing where it takes you next. While you're in the midst of moving along the stream, you'd never notice your surroundings changing because you're just too caught up in the movement. Everything just moves so quickly that it absorbs you- until you'd eventually become a part of it. For me, that was my school life. Every day, I'd walk down the same corridors, make the same turns at every right corner and look into every window that I could to meet my own reflection to just to figure how I would look like that day. Yes, I'm secretly a vain child. Mornings would start off with me walking hand in hand with my 7 year old pretend-son named Keith to his block and I'll watch his back until he dissolves into a crowd of his own kind. He's the brightest and sweetest 7 year old boy I've ever met, even the guys in my year can't be half as sensible as he. Then, I'd walk past people, like lots of people, and feel like I'm a part of their lives for that one millisecond before...... We part each other.
Finally, I reach my classroom.
For easily more than 600 days and counting, I've walked into a room full of people whom I've considered as a regular part of my life, like that set of keys you'll need to unlock your front door. I'd walk in, find my current seat at the time, slump down and take a look at the class again, wondering if they're thinking the same way. Deep down, we were all absorbed in our own worlds, so much that we forgot where we actually are. I used to get that a lot when I was younger. Okay, fine...... Still do.
And there'll be faces; faces that will stick in your mind even while you'll in school as you think thoughts of them coming up in your head but you'll push them to one side and think more deeply about them later for dessert. I'd experience all of that, knowing that I wouldn't be the only one doing so. Sometimes, it makes me happy to know that there'll be someone I could literally "come back home to" and look forward to pouring my heart out later on to make up for the worst days. It used to be like that. Nowadays, it's a little different in the sense that my "someone" might not be there all the time.
A friend told me this, "No matter what you do, you shouldn't depend on someone else for happiness,".
I fully agree with that. When I look back at previous posts, I'd always have that tinge of regret, as the posts get harder and harder to read every time. It's almost as if it were to be coming from a different person, as I tore out bits of the depths of my thoughts and lay them out on a platter for everyone to taste. Basically, it feels like as if there was a panel waiting to judge me, as I also judge myself. But when I think back to the time when I said what I had to, as if to throw off a huge burden being laid on my shoulders, that sense of relief brings closure and washes out everything like epidural- with marks to prove that you've lived through it.
Throughout the entire process of trying to live with a broken heart, I've learnt life lessons that I'd never know about if I were to be entirely wholesome and happy all along. At the time, it really felt like shit trying to live in the moment of drowning but after resurfacing, you'd breathe again for the first time. Like how sometimes it's better to say nothing rather than to say something at all. How less was more. And how the strongest form of love- is letting go of what you want, and thinking of what the other does. You'll hurt, of course, to think that you're burying your losses but hey, love was never a fair game. Take it as a joke but this is the only field where even all of the hard work could get you to no where at all. "Laughs" Rest assured that there won't be any "School" for this. How straining it could be for a feeling to drag on to the extent of nothingness, the greatest loss.
"Like that of the winter wind, our lives will gently linger on......"
Last Friday, I was given just one night to end this chapter of my life. There were all of the people who'd once taken places in my life, all dressed up to look beautiful and handsome just to say "happily ever after". Really! Everyone looked great, but somehow when I look them in the eye, I still see them the way I do everyday at school; which is being all dorky in school uniforms and with crazy, weird walks or maybe teachers with their own funny character...... but that's the way I'll remember them forever. Honestly, I had to wait for those tears to come; and to my displeasure, they only came later at night when I replayed every single heart wrenching scene and realised that everything was really over. Even with one third of a bottle of red wine, I tossed and turned in bed, trying to cling on to the aftermath of it all but I gave in to sleep soon after. Perhaps it was the realisation that I did feel that much but kept it all inside to be concealed from everyone else. Maybe all those times of doing so in the past has lead up to the day when my wall will slowly crumble and fall apart and reveal how weak I really was.
The truth was that I loved ...... and cared, but never shown it.
As I turn around to look at the beautiful disaster that I've left behind for myself,
but how it has become someone else's sparkling sunset......
This is my gift to you.
I love you.
-End of Chapter-
CCM.
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