Okay.
I'M NOT OKAY.
I'm fucking screwed up, inside out.
And I do know exactly why.
Is it denial? Or merely a dilemma, to put it in short; as to why I seem to be having more "emotional imbalances" as compared to say... a few months back. Back to a time when it was easier to feel lighted-hearted, and open up to a world full of possibilities huh? I don't know, really. Thinking about it, memories of a golden era such as that one seemed to have happened light years ago. Do I recall those days with fondness?
No. I reminisce them, and grief.
Like, it's a resounding, "Come back" and "Don't leave me" that I hear pounding within my ear drums, making my blood pressure shoot up every time I remembered something that had made me feel happy before in the past. And that really sucks because it sort of ruins the whole beauty of retaining a sweet memory in the first place. The purpose of remembering had been defeated. Instead, it shaped a new learning curve that- (Yes, here comes my classic, favourite line)-
Never would I have thought 17 years of living a simple life will lead me up to this day, when I would contemplate about the depths of a relationship. It's amazing how pretty much there hasn't been a conclusion as to how love works... Because the matter of love sets itself on a scale between what's illogical, nonsensical and passion-able. Sometimes, we make choices based on feeling- actually I'm sure majority of our human population does - and label it as "natural instincts". We trust our hearts more than the call of our brains basically; because THE HEART'S WHERE ALL THE LOVE GOES~
Hear this: A destined tie would knot itself naturally. That's the only natural instinct "law" that I would believe in. And past fluttery moments that had once made your heart pace like a F1 race car may have created moments you'll hold on to for the rest of your life but it won't be strong enough to justify itself as a "natural pull".
The right person to make that kind of a difference in our lives is someone who would bring out the best in ourselves.
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See that line above? It's to split the post apart due to timing differences; you see, that was written the week before past my school bedtime hour when well...
Sleep won't come.
And now, I just can't continue ranting about relationships anymore because I know that I would end up feeling like a virgin trying to preach about sex and such. I felt naked. So vulnerable under my skin. And yet I let you exploit me, filling me throughout with passion only to slowly let it come to the day when it all falls apart, so basically... A BROKEN LOVE IS LIKE MENSTRUATION. The bits and pieces that once used to build a wall of comfort and assurance just melts down. No thanks to progesterone. Shucks, Bio is killing me.
There were many occasions in the past where something out of the usual daily routine would come up and I wouldn't have written about it. Hence, the special thing is forgotten. What I realised is that these days my special things seem to center about me not thinking about the painful love drug that's literally, actually REALLY sucking the life out of me. Like, my standards of fulfilment have dropped a great deal- I'm actually just about happy to hear my Mom's endless tales about the noise or traffic outside our house, highly confidential secrets about her shot at forbidden love and talks of just any other piece of landed property that we can call home- I feel like I've aged significantly in a time span of what... few months? The beauty that came out of it was that finally, I think that I've forged that kind of attachment bond between me and my Mom that I would trust her as not just my mother, but also a friend. And yes, Mama's always going to be your No.1 supporter.
Just so you know, Hae, I'll be skipping school tomorrow but somewhat my gut feeling's told me to go- I gave in to my inflamed throat though- because deep down, I dread school so much that I would prefer to jail myself so as to not return to my ultimate cause of misery which had lately evolved into depression. I couldn't help it. Cried once before an Add Math paper and another time last week because I felt the same 'pang' in my heart that would trigger off the old "fork piercing through my heart" scene again that replays itself until I succumb to my tears. Yes, it is that hard for me these days. And it had to be the way I end my schooling life, less than 3 weeks away to Graduation. Why the gut feeling then? Because I hate the idea of running away or trying to escape pain. Tried it for years and all that I've learnt is that you get more from shredding yourself because you learn how to be tougher, at least.
To cool off from excessive brain damaging from virus S-T-U-D-Y-I-N-G, I would grab my hands onto anything that does not have anything to do with my evil phone, because the evil phone would bring back scarred memories of times when I would use it more often for, you know "dot dot dot". Facebook is getting to be like a "No-Book" on my notebook, and my Twitter and Instagram accounts have been long MIA since touring with the Band Perry singing "If I Die Young" a gazillion times since they died themselves, in 2012 when I was that annoying 15 year old kid who would retweet Harry Styles's tweets in hopes of getting a follow back. So I've been pouring my heart and soul into bit and pieces of music, a lot of articles be it newspapers, magazines, books, and my recent fetish of streaming movies and Youtube videos is back. Very unhealthy indeed. I can't take "precious" time for granted now.(BTW Silver Lining's Playbook is an amazing movie, Jen Lawrence is a true gem)
Today's weird activity was that I tried Googling up quotes for the broken hearted and stumbled upon this quote, "Silence is the best way to tell someone that he/she's done wrong,". The question is, will it linger on forever? Like that of the swift howl of the winter wind, that will come and go, as it readily seduces with its body-like sensuality spiralling around head... Until it disappears. Leaving with no trace, no goodbye.
That, is the feeling of losing someone whom you will remember for good.
As The Script's new album heads "No Sound Without Silence"
I've decided to be the common rebel with the introduction of-
"Break the Silence" songs by the likes of Nick Jonas, Metal band Firewind, Thousand Foot Krutch, and Jason Hartman.
Well...... Fuck it. Break it.
Your "once in a while" one night stand,
CCM.
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