"Okay, now imagine that I'm a mirror being right in front of you and you're staring into me,"
I raised an eyebrow and gave Aunty Maureen a bemused look in return. This was by far the most "out of the world"ish therapy we had to do yet, and by that I mean after 8 months of having embarked on this "marathon to healing one's self",this particular gesture came out of the blue.
"What? Why..."
"Now speak to me. Speak to your reflection, and say the things that you're good at, your best qualities or anything positive about yourself. Like maybe, 'I'm a kind person', 'I have a friendly personality' or maybe 'I'm beautiful' but bear in mind, it has to come from YOU and not anyone else okay?"
I was struck. It had never occurred to me once that she'll have to go to such measures to make me feel better about myself. Deep down, I'll say that this is more of a depression treatment therapy instead but lately, I can't deny that it is generally getting harder for me to feel like I do have a standing out there, Hae. I mean, seeing everyone around drift further and further away from ground zero and being better and better at what their "destined" to do; they just seemed to be blossoming while I'm stuck between those lines of not knowing what to do with my life, really. So when a milestone question like that being's thrown at me, what am I supposed to say?
I tell people that I never gave it much thought, but the truth was that it's always wandering through the back of my mind. Where will I end up in 10 years time. What will I end up doing? The kind of person I want to be in life. Or as I am, will I ever blossom like everyone else if I can't even muster the confidence to say one good thing about myself?
"I'm not so sure actually..."
"Just be honest with yourself, Car-Men. Say it without any judgement,"
To be dead honest, the word "judge" should never cease to exist in the first place. Then, there won't be any right and wrongs and people will roam around the planet feeling like they're all kings and queens. Yes, Hae. I enjoy those moments where I get to showcase my 'long' standards of immaturity for the sake of harmless fun~
Unfortunately, that will never happen. Modern day society just forbids it. Whether if it's spoken, spoken behind backs or never spoken, the whole world is waiting to judge you.
I don't know what to say for myself really.
It's been a rough time for me these few weeks. Those hard blows keep on coming to knock me down and some of them still hit me hard in the chest whenever I think about them today.
"You make no sense,"
"I see you being the Head of Nurses in a hospital someday,"
"You still make no sense,"
"Lawyer? Lawyer buruk?"
"Car-Men makes no sense,"
"I see you being a kindergarten teacher,"
Degrading isn't the word. Or maybe it is. I felt like the world suddenly became a smaller and bigger place at the same time. It shrank because I suddenly felt like as if the 57,308,738 Sq. Miles (148,429,000 Sq. Km) that cover the surface of planet Earth won't be enough to contain the exploding lava that's due to shoot out from Car-Men's volcano of outraged emotions anytime. Deep down, I know that I made sacrifices that meant saying goodbye to a school of teachers and friends that mean a whole other world to me just to stand a chance to receive better education at a strange new institution where I'll have to start learning EVERYTHING from ground zero again. And I know that I managed to make the cut because I was worth that sacrifice.
I will make a stand and prove the odds wrong.
You wait and see.
Here's what happened next in the mirror, Hae.
It took me a huge breath and a leapt of courage to say..
"I think that I'm good at writing,"
Aunty Maureen smiled. And pointed out that that was the first smile coming from me that morning too.
"Why do you think so?"
Smiling at the time felt great. It was like a rush of sudden positive energy flowing through my veins and my heart felt light enough to muster a laugh.
"Writing's the way I express myself best. I feel like it is something that I'll leave in my jewelry box of life and make sure it stays there until the day I die regardless of how people judge the way I write. It is the strongest and most powerful voice I have woven inside of me,"
I can't remember if I said anything else, Hae. But here's another thing I've learnt about life in all 17 years of living. If need be, praise yourself. Even if the whole world disapproves and makes every positive emotion in you flow down the drain, to every living monster out there, you ARE worth it. Everyone deserves a little time to feel self absorbed once in a while, even if it'll hurt to find out that your jewelry box is really empty, just smile at it to feel grateful that you at least still do have a box to call your own.
Your own box of life.
Hae, it is admittedly getting harder for me to feel good these days.
Even if I try to make it sound heroic,
there is no joy in seeing everyone spring forward first,
leaving you standing behind thinking...
What do I do now?
My thoughts for now, are wiser spent grieving along with the entire nation.
Deepest condolences go out to the family and friends of the passengers onboard MH370.
And to CHS for their loss of a prefect, he was only 17.
It's getting harder to walk about with a peace of mind too.
Peace out,
CCM.
Wednesday, 26 March 2014
Sunday, 2 March 2014
I'm here to let go of things.
There's been a lot happening lately... No, that's not it. They're one of those little little bothersome stuff that might mean no sense to everyone else but it makes a big big impact on how you think about yourself.
I hate to say it but today's the day when I demonstrate why people can't stand reading a teenager's diary. Hae, my one and only beloved diary-like friend, I'll admit that the purpose of your creation was to serve this purpose. So like it or not, you'll have to bear with me. I'll take it as you've agreed to our terms and conditions here.
So first off, I think I'm having trouble being honest with myself.
And to be honest, I feel like I'm never good enough. Being the world's most indecisive person doesn't help either because to begin with, I do not know what I want to be good at as well. I know that I want to be someone's good friend. I also want to make sure my old friends won't forget me for who I used to be. Maybe I have a tinge of regret whenever I think of the "him" that could have been my other half but always end up wondering how that "No" came about and ruined all hopes of us being "you and me". Maybe I do have strong feelings for someone now but I'm dying not to take the next step. Then questions that prompts me to make every final decision will always be the standard:
WILL YOU REGRET MORE TAKING UP A CHANCE OR BACKING AWAY?
And Car-Men's standard answer will forever be the latter. I mean why risk all those emotions on what could be a mere disappointment in the end? But we were taught to be optimistic in life so recently I did things the other way round and guess what? I still regret. Okay to put it in layman terms...
I HAD A SERIES OF EMBARRASSING EVENTS happening lately >.<
Oh and second off, let me introduce a new name to you, Hae, Agent Mash Potato. She lives roughly 9 stone throws away from my yellow hole and I am proud to say that we inspired Potato to write to her own non-existent beloved, Kevin~ I would promote them to the whole world if I could but having a victim who lives just 9 stone throws away can put me in a really dangerous position too. Pfft, forget it. Anyway, it was thanks to her that I managed to get over Embarrassing event No.1 so I'll continue to express my love for her by telling you that she is special for many reasons. For one, she goes for a heart transplant every month but hates it whenever I keep her homework for her but doesn't react to other people doing it~ For another, she has a normal obsession for good looking boys and and strange one for the weirdest shit out there that only the highest of the most brilliant class of brains can ever think of wanting to do, like Escape Room Puzzles and The Tower of Hanoi (Yeah I can imagine you trying to Google that, Hae). And she has a beautiful but mischievous sister too, who screams words of what's related to "Free" that'll annoy the hell outta me whenever I walk pass her in school. She brought Paradise Fears, lots of unnecessary slapping and Fluffy into my life, and so yeah, I just hope that wherever you are in the near future you will at least think of me every once in a while whenever you eat your banana split.
Okay, now back to the main topic.
I'll shorten things because talking about my potato friend made me feel a lot better so urm... Basically I went for a singing audition with Cheese and a Big Tomato and well, regretted it more in the end. Potato did better, but chances are our only hopes of joining would be if the whole school had a case of Monkey Pox and that only people who are half-mutated with Fruit, Vegetable or Dairy Product genes were the last ones standing so pretty much I felt darn horrible about it afterwards. There is always a consolation to every regretful thing though, that I can proudly tell my grandchildren that your grandma dared to face the world and make a difference and that SHE HAD NO SHAME IN DOING SO.
Embarrassing event No.2 happened less than 5 hours ago when I felt really sad walking out of the music room at my regular temple feeling like the word ego never once existed. I mean, you won't expect to feel good about yourself once your dear mother bursts into a room full of other enthusiastic potential young leaders all gathered for a camp meeting and there she goes, howling like the wind across the seven seas because she had to release her anger at you for being a 15 minutes late and not answering your phone. I am main at fault but this is when I ponder about what have I ever done wrong in 17 years of my life to have acquired such karma...
The wrong thing about embarrassing events is that somewhat, somehow, they will always be thrown back at you and the fact that you actually did have something to do with that embarrassing thing will shatter you dignity to pieces like urgh... How I feel about myself now. Worse thing is...
I REGRET THEM SO MUCH.
Back to the stage where you'll go playing around with words like,
"I should have, could have, SHOULDN'T HAD..."
But meh. It's too little too late.
Oh about those little mentions of "hims" up there?
The last thing I feel like at the moment is romantic.
And maybe next time I'll disappoint you more, Hae.
Fair enough I think my sweet Hae had enough for one day.
Thank you for you, Hae. <3
Yes, Daddy did a great job capturing the beauty of nature and the value of gaining "free happiness" from what you see. So treasure those little things before they melt away~
(Taken in a busy city and the soul of Asia, Seoul. Pretty huh? If you have the money, fly there for a bowl of kimchi while you're at it and if you don't, have no fear. There's still the Korean drama websites "cough cough" free happiness.)
Lots of love and tears,
CCM.
I hate to say it but today's the day when I demonstrate why people can't stand reading a teenager's diary. Hae, my one and only beloved diary-like friend, I'll admit that the purpose of your creation was to serve this purpose. So like it or not, you'll have to bear with me. I'll take it as you've agreed to our terms and conditions here.
So first off, I think I'm having trouble being honest with myself.
And to be honest, I feel like I'm never good enough. Being the world's most indecisive person doesn't help either because to begin with, I do not know what I want to be good at as well. I know that I want to be someone's good friend. I also want to make sure my old friends won't forget me for who I used to be. Maybe I have a tinge of regret whenever I think of the "him" that could have been my other half but always end up wondering how that "No" came about and ruined all hopes of us being "you and me". Maybe I do have strong feelings for someone now but I'm dying not to take the next step. Then questions that prompts me to make every final decision will always be the standard:
WILL YOU REGRET MORE TAKING UP A CHANCE OR BACKING AWAY?
And Car-Men's standard answer will forever be the latter. I mean why risk all those emotions on what could be a mere disappointment in the end? But we were taught to be optimistic in life so recently I did things the other way round and guess what? I still regret. Okay to put it in layman terms...
I HAD A SERIES OF EMBARRASSING EVENTS happening lately >.<
Oh and second off, let me introduce a new name to you, Hae, Agent Mash Potato. She lives roughly 9 stone throws away from my yellow hole and I am proud to say that we inspired Potato to write to her own non-existent beloved, Kevin~ I would promote them to the whole world if I could but having a victim who lives just 9 stone throws away can put me in a really dangerous position too. Pfft, forget it. Anyway, it was thanks to her that I managed to get over Embarrassing event No.1 so I'll continue to express my love for her by telling you that she is special for many reasons. For one, she goes for a heart transplant every month but hates it whenever I keep her homework for her but doesn't react to other people doing it~ For another, she has a normal obsession for good looking boys and and strange one for the weirdest shit out there that only the highest of the most brilliant class of brains can ever think of wanting to do, like Escape Room Puzzles and The Tower of Hanoi (Yeah I can imagine you trying to Google that, Hae). And she has a beautiful but mischievous sister too, who screams words of what's related to "Free" that'll annoy the hell outta me whenever I walk pass her in school. She brought Paradise Fears, lots of unnecessary slapping and Fluffy into my life, and so yeah, I just hope that wherever you are in the near future you will at least think of me every once in a while whenever you eat your banana split.
Okay, now back to the main topic.
I'll shorten things because talking about my potato friend made me feel a lot better so urm... Basically I went for a singing audition with Cheese and a Big Tomato and well, regretted it more in the end. Potato did better, but chances are our only hopes of joining would be if the whole school had a case of Monkey Pox and that only people who are half-mutated with Fruit, Vegetable or Dairy Product genes were the last ones standing so pretty much I felt darn horrible about it afterwards. There is always a consolation to every regretful thing though, that I can proudly tell my grandchildren that your grandma dared to face the world and make a difference and that SHE HAD NO SHAME IN DOING SO.
Embarrassing event No.2 happened less than 5 hours ago when I felt really sad walking out of the music room at my regular temple feeling like the word ego never once existed. I mean, you won't expect to feel good about yourself once your dear mother bursts into a room full of other enthusiastic potential young leaders all gathered for a camp meeting and there she goes, howling like the wind across the seven seas because she had to release her anger at you for being a 15 minutes late and not answering your phone. I am main at fault but this is when I ponder about what have I ever done wrong in 17 years of my life to have acquired such karma...
The wrong thing about embarrassing events is that somewhat, somehow, they will always be thrown back at you and the fact that you actually did have something to do with that embarrassing thing will shatter you dignity to pieces like urgh... How I feel about myself now. Worse thing is...
I REGRET THEM SO MUCH.
Back to the stage where you'll go playing around with words like,
"I should have, could have, SHOULDN'T HAD..."
But meh. It's too little too late.
Oh about those little mentions of "hims" up there?
The last thing I feel like at the moment is romantic.
And maybe next time I'll disappoint you more, Hae.
Fair enough I think my sweet Hae had enough for one day.
Thank you for you, Hae. <3
(Taken in a busy city and the soul of Asia, Seoul. Pretty huh? If you have the money, fly there for a bowl of kimchi while you're at it and if you don't, have no fear. There's still the Korean drama websites "cough cough" free happiness.)
Lots of love and tears,
CCM.
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