In my possession, I have everything. I have been blessed with a family who raised me with love. On my dinner table I am served food often in excess with too much to eat. My room can be air-conditioned to the right temperature to bring comfort throughout warm, hazy days. Without even giving any effort, I have been gifted a full hierarchy of needs since the day I was born.
But I find it increasingly more difficult to sleep at night. My mental and physical state does not wear me enough to succumb to sleep. And I have come to this stage because my past opportunities missed, albeit choices which could have been better made.
Yes, I am dwelling upon my past. I want this post to be marked as a grave reminder of how much of my youth I've wasted for 19 years. What could have been more to fill my future days with promise of zest.
I need to "live". And saying isn't enough. Dear Hae, I was wrong in many ways.
"Laughs to self" I guess you would feel fed up of hearing stories that go down this line. I definitely need to talk more feelings and thoughts; self-talk is good for the ambiguous, such as myself.
Next month I will be in Singapore for a week to sit for an entrance exam hosted by NTU. Sit for the dang test, as my dear friend suggested. So I will sit for the dang test. "Shivers" Or perhaps more to test the rougher waters and see if I could swim through.
I recently read a book by fellow Malaysian author Professor Shirley Geok-lin Lim titled "Sister Swing" which tells the story of three sister characters moving to California as grown adults. They sought to find their own place and purpose in a land far from home. Being one out of three sisters myself, the story especially appealed to me :)
It also gave me the courage to believe that adaptation takes time and exposure, out of which I must comply to give up the walls of comfort I have built around me, if I seek to taste zest for the first time on my own terms.
I cannot say much to friends at the moment, for my lacking of knowledge and experience of what they are currently going through. I guess I am feeling the pain and pressure of falling behind even more so.
It has been about four months since the beginning of the year, and also since I've not have any solid commitments to attend to. And I would make sure I were never to have another gap such as this in time to come.
I will write more open thoughts, Hae. This is comforting and fun even to me; not having to express simple thoughts in wishy washy terminology.
Love
CCM
Alter-ego: Gah!!! Not quite the effect I wanted; it still sounds like an old wive's tale. Another goal to achieve: Sound cooler.
But I find it increasingly more difficult to sleep at night. My mental and physical state does not wear me enough to succumb to sleep. And I have come to this stage because my past opportunities missed, albeit choices which could have been better made.
Yes, I am dwelling upon my past. I want this post to be marked as a grave reminder of how much of my youth I've wasted for 19 years. What could have been more to fill my future days with promise of zest.
I need to "live". And saying isn't enough. Dear Hae, I was wrong in many ways.
"Laughs to self" I guess you would feel fed up of hearing stories that go down this line. I definitely need to talk more feelings and thoughts; self-talk is good for the ambiguous, such as myself.
Next month I will be in Singapore for a week to sit for an entrance exam hosted by NTU. Sit for the dang test, as my dear friend suggested. So I will sit for the dang test. "Shivers" Or perhaps more to test the rougher waters and see if I could swim through.
I recently read a book by fellow Malaysian author Professor Shirley Geok-lin Lim titled "Sister Swing" which tells the story of three sister characters moving to California as grown adults. They sought to find their own place and purpose in a land far from home. Being one out of three sisters myself, the story especially appealed to me :)
It also gave me the courage to believe that adaptation takes time and exposure, out of which I must comply to give up the walls of comfort I have built around me, if I seek to taste zest for the first time on my own terms.
I cannot say much to friends at the moment, for my lacking of knowledge and experience of what they are currently going through. I guess I am feeling the pain and pressure of falling behind even more so.
It has been about four months since the beginning of the year, and also since I've not have any solid commitments to attend to. And I would make sure I were never to have another gap such as this in time to come.
I will write more open thoughts, Hae. This is comforting and fun even to me; not having to express simple thoughts in wishy washy terminology.
Love
CCM
Alter-ego: Gah!!! Not quite the effect I wanted; it still sounds like an old wive's tale. Another goal to achieve: Sound cooler.
