22 minutes.

11:10 PM.


Tonight is breezy, breezier than usual.

As I reflect back of my recent past thoughts, speech and actions;

I've come to realize-

There are too many things that I have yet to understand.

Even after all this time,

I've failed to overcome the roots of greed

which had been deeply ingrained within

Ever since day one. 

How much of pain and suffering I've inflicted upon

the dearest and purest of people. 


And yet all along-

I've let ignorance get the better of me.

Blindfolded by bliss,

I always seem to overlook another soul's despair,

For the soft for nothing whining of my faint little heart. 


11:32 PM.

A mix of small thoughts.

As each passing day goes, my world full of ideals had grown to an extent where there can be two extreme ends to what I want for the future. Soon came days where I sometimes can fully envision a life without anyone in my existing circle of connections; not my current friends or family. A strange part of me seemed to be dying to explore a whole new world where my name wouldn't known as Car-Men with a dash.

As I further thought upon the matter, I soon realize that there laid slight possibility being able to dump this life I have and seek out the alternative path that destiny could be hiding from me all this while. So what I've been going through lately is an unusual degree of dissonance among my inner ideals and of course- the REAL now. 

Sometimes I'd like to look back. 

And I begin to realize again that I was once again, straying and shifting between pathways. Then, I also realize that I've grown increasingly more flawed as the days go by. For one, I would always try to avoid long term commitment and responsibility. Number two, I am fickle-minded with the privilege of having choices being offered on a silver platter. Number three, I can be very stubborn and at the same time, selfish to a point where I overlook the needs of others to suffice my own. Voila. The perfect mix of character traits to further complicate and jeopardize the unforeseen future. 

To speak the truth, there are increasingly more days when I feel unmotivated to do anything. But when those days come, I feel urged to push on in fear that I'd lose sight of the other main marathoners with whom I've started running this track of Life with. 

What scares me most is that slightest possibility-

That all along I've striven not out of inspiration or own will;

but out of fear. 

CCM.