"The autumn wind begins to blow"

The autumn wind blows
So gently... Oh, so gently
Back then
Remember how we walked against rough winds of Spring?
Few times, we walked in silence
Then several times more,
accompanied by laughter.

Those lanes we used to walk
I no longer go.

I walk the pavements every day
where at every corner-
I find lingering memories
Lost,
swaying to the sweet sounds of crickets by the lanes we used to cross
Most days I brisk walked-
Passing faces
Shaking hands
Rarely stopping in track; for in fear
of the crickets' hymns from two seasons ago.

Never once trapped so deep in my thoughts before-
A part of me has gone.
Back to a time,
when the spring crickets still sing.

Wishful coin pebbles

Chinese cultural rituals have come a long way since their years of formation. And today, cultural rituals renowned for chasing after topics to do with material wealth still stand, and is fiercely practiced by those who seek their own pot of gold without having to find a rainbow.

I was travelling in Hong Kong with family when I chanced upon this incident while visiting the Tian Tan Buddha, within vicinity of the Po Lin monastery. In front of me were fellow tourists crowded around three Holy statues, each of whom was supposed to symbolize a form of blessing (Although deep down I suspect that all three of them were "understood" by these tourists to be the Goddesses of Fortune), flinging coins in aims of reaching the statues' alms. I was indeed shocked. The alms were positioned at least a few feet above, also making it a challenge for coins to actually manage to reach its thrower's intended goal. There were some notable scratches to these statues courtesy of every failed attempt once made.

And another notable thing, or at least to eyes of bystanders like myself was the sign bearing:

"DO NOT THROW COINS"

And there was such a sign attached to the bottom of each statue. There were a desperate scrambling of hands picking up fallen coins within reach from behind the fence, and afterwards these hands would soon fling more coins across a time span of roughly ten minutes per head before like-minded bystanders hop aboard the bandwagon. Imagine the sort of scene you would expect at a games arcade where people would throw some hoops; except now a similar form of throwing is taking place on temple grounds, with coins instead.

My cousins and I stared nonchalantly for a moment. My elder cousin W.L. then pointed out another interesting scenario which saw a group of vibrant young ladies posing against the wall in a fun matter and camera ready to shoot. Then I took a 360 degree turn to take in the full blown touristy ambiance where there were a lot of people, selfie sticks and shouting going on atop a place which held spiritual significance. I felt as puzzled as the looks on Caucasian tourists who took more conservative measures while visiting the venue as opposed to fellow tourists despite us bearing the same heritage. We were the Asians exploiting this piece of sacred land with the Buddha image looking over us all.

But then again, while strolling the temple grounds with my Grandmother in tow- I also begin to question to what extent, the strength of spiritual inner-peace this place could really offer. I saw that before the the entrance of the Po Lin monastery were eateries and souvenir shops poised as tourist traps. Contributions of tourists went to maintaining the sacred place where scratched statues could be later replaced and where it will await more visitors to come and have coins flung at. Some visitors came to take cool pictures. Well, I did too.

It also reminded me of times when I visit churches and also encounter a similar sort of setting where I spot a rare few who would come for the sole purpose of perhaps seeking inner-spiritual peace. Maybe in a world many millenniums ago, where there existed fewer sorts of material wealth to chase after and people weren't so distracted by the likes of Snapchat and Facebook; it was an easier task focusing on the true designated ambiance as intended for these sacred places. Times must have been simpler too, no doubt. Simple enough for a round of rituals to convince the common minds alike, that their needs were being taken care of by God. People in my time need to see instantaneous results. So they would rather work jobs and reap their rewards after that. There are more atheists in this time and age, Hae. There are also people who use God as a reason to why they make choices. There are also the nicest people out there who respect God and don't quote Him as a reason to why they love.

I think simple minded people are the ones to end up finding true spiritual inner peace. Or wait...

They never searched so hard in the first place.

Just tonight.

Top pic: Otaru Canal, Jan 2016

Tonight

I feel

I touch

I moan

I crave

I cry

I gasp

Eyes shut tight.

Dreams

Sleep won't come

Blessed at the feet

of the Nocturnal God.

There he comes

there he goes.

I grab at all corners

Tearing me out

I longed for more

For crying out loud.

Such a fool

I was

to have played this game

A virgin to love-makers

A mare with no mane.

Past the river of lost souls

I walked

Look up!

I see a blue moon

Look down!

My own reflection.

In my dreams

I was not alone.

To know more or less.

"In most case scenarios, it hurts to know more than what's necessary," Kais exclaimed before tossing a rock which would skid across the very flat and still surface of Lake Darling. Jo bit her lip in attempt to resist a snort. She saw through her brother's lame antics.

"And on what grounds can you justify your previous statement,"

Kais smirked before picking up another stone, "You should inflect your voice when you ask questions. It gives people an involuntary snap like a notification ring to allow for response techniques to gear up," 

"I have reiterated this same question many times before,"

"Every situation covers a different setup, Josephine. I am preparing you for future conversations with people whom may struggle recognizing a question asked without intonation. I can understand because I am Kais. They wouldn't..."

Kais failed to retain Jo's concentration. When she casually looked to her left, she took an interest in a man slinging a plastic bag thrice the size of his head over his shoulder while pushing a stroller in front. It turned out to be a double-stroller; not that Jo had properly seen it but she could pick out two distinctive voice sources from the people crammed arch bridge making hysterically loud wails. It also helped that almost every head turned momentarily to look at the father for no more than a second; creating a sudden lapse in the typical Sunday evening ambiance which somewhat inclined any moving person to focus on this very particular man to see how he would choose to respond to a socially not so favorable situation. 

But the man did not make any attempt to silence his children and chose to remain on the arched bridge, oblivious to any form of message by strong eye contact. Then, people tried to figure out what he had transfixed beneath his gaze for so long. Kais by now had too taken notice of the sudden hot attention spurrer within their neighborhood park.

"That man seemed to be standing dead still. Not moving at all,"

"Probably. Hence the silent commotion,"

Two women approached him from different angles, attempting conversation. Still no sign of movement from the man except of that, his still stature. The women then resorted to kneeling at the feet of the stroller, calming the children. 

"I have my suspicions," Jo suddenly said.

"Mmm. Speak your mind,"

"That the man either wants to escape from reality or is lost in it,"

Kais did not speak for a while. 

"Probably."

Jo tried to relocate the spot where Kais's first rock sank.

"In this case, it's better to know less,"

Hays Paddock

I remember clearly now

The mild cold of the early autumn breeze

 Back then

how the earth slightly crumpled

as it bore the weight 

of an Unexpected visitor

to its clear fields of green.

The fields would soon flush green

As new emerging light rays pierced past

At once

the greens glistened and renounced 

the mere passing 

of another transient cold spell-

welcoming

The arrival of the After rain.

With every step 

accompanied a lingering chill

shared by no other

For I came as one.

As I soaked and submerged

into the remains of a previous cycle

I looked towards front-

Up ahead

there laid a small junction.

Turn left?

Turn right?

And there I stood.

Honest letter to Hae #1

By and large, I just realized how deprived I was of life itself.

In my possession, I have everything. I have been blessed with a family who raised me with love. On my dinner table I am served food often in excess with too much to eat. My room can be air-conditioned to the right temperature to bring comfort throughout warm, hazy days. Without even giving any effort, I have been gifted a full hierarchy of needs since the day I was born.

But I find it increasingly more difficult to sleep at night. My mental and physical state does not wear me enough to succumb to sleep. And I have come to this stage because my past opportunities missed, albeit choices which could have been better made.

Yes, I am dwelling upon my past. I want this post to be marked as a grave reminder of how much of my youth I've wasted for 19 years. What could have been more to fill my future days with promise of zest.

I need to "live". And saying isn't enough. Dear Hae, I was wrong in many ways.

"Laughs to self" I guess you would feel fed up of hearing stories that go down this line. I definitely need to talk more feelings and thoughts; self-talk is good for the ambiguous, such as myself.

Next month I will be in Singapore for a week to sit for an entrance exam hosted by NTU. Sit for the dang test, as my dear friend suggested. So I will sit for the dang test. "Shivers" Or perhaps more to test the rougher waters and see if I could swim through.

I recently read a book by fellow Malaysian author Professor Shirley Geok-lin Lim titled "Sister Swing" which tells the story of three sister characters moving to California as grown adults. They sought to find their own place and purpose in a land far from home. Being one out of three sisters myself, the story especially appealed to me :)

It also gave me the courage to believe that adaptation takes time and exposure, out of which I must comply to give up the walls of comfort I have built around me, if I seek to taste zest for the first time on my own terms.

I cannot say much to friends at the moment, for my lacking of knowledge and experience of what they are currently going through. I guess I am feeling the pain and pressure of falling behind even more so.

It has been about four months since the beginning of the year, and also since I've not have any solid commitments to attend to. And I would make sure I were never to have another gap such as this in time to come.

I will write more open thoughts, Hae. This is comforting and fun even to me; not having to express simple thoughts in wishy washy terminology.

Love
CCM

Alter-ego: Gah!!! Not quite the effect I wanted; it still sounds like an old wive's tale. Another goal to achieve: Sound cooler. 

Wandering cities

I have wandered across cities
Cities of which yield imprints of on-street
Motion.
The fast brisk-walks of passer-bys
Come in figures of hundreds of thousands
Basked in a myriad of city striders
All in a sudden-
There is no more I.

At the many times I am offered
A sole opportunity; one sought after by millions
To stand amid people from worldly respected nations
Or be it an old friend
Of whom I am indebted to requite their kind tolerance-

I remain lost for right words.
And utterly overwhelmed
by how little I have in my current disposition
To lightly interest the likes
of hundreds and hundreds of thousands
whom walk the bustling streets of important cities
Their every stride an embodiment
of belonging and purpose.